Thursday, October 25, 2007

Moles

The full moon blanketed everything with a soft, eerie glow, casting odd shadows, as I walked over to your house to make sure you weren't dead.

A concerned co-worker asked me earlier today to check up on you. You hadn't been to work in a few days and people were talking the talk, the kind of talk that grows louder the more it is whispered in the rumor mill. (I heard he's on the hard stuff..., girlfriend left him..., calling in sick quite a bit...)

I worried about it myself, knowing some of your past exploits, knowing you've done some bad things. The text I sent to you left unanswered, well, that wasn't a great sign either.

Walking up to your door, my mind raced with visions of how I'd find you, your dog whimpering behind a locked door, the lights out, perhaps the front door open, I'd creep in in the dark, seeing only the bathroom light on, the door ajar, a pool of blood...

The front door was open. The lights on. Rocks happy to see me, front paws on the screen door. I knocked timidly, and then louder, and you appeared looking extremely thin, but alive and my heart dropped its weight.

A short visit, some tea I stole from work (technically its free per shift, and I did work earlier in the day) chatting about this and that, nothing too serious, but serious enough, old friends that have moved on to other places and adventures...

Thank goodness.

sigh.

...

Maybe it is the heat of hospitals, that swarthy kind of stuffy heat that makes me uncomfortable. The tiny, rythmic squeak of shoes on the newly waxed floors. Patients hobbling slowly on walkers and hand rails.

I greatly respect hospital professionals of all kinds for this. For doing what they do because of suffering, handling it, easing it, being absorbed in it all day.

I sort of surprised you, well, Dad first, sitting by your side probably all of the day since you going into recovery. For some reason the two of you will probably never own a cell phone. I'm ok with that, as I greatly resisted it for as long as I could. But they do make planning things like this a little easier, but that's ok. I wanted to visit as soon as I could.

So many machines... A tube slowly draining a liquid resembling melted strawberry jello. Monitors, and numbers, lines and bleeps. Saline drips, a box gurgling blue liquid, wires.

You still kept your humor, claiming they were giving you all the good drugs...

We sat there in the chairs, Dad and I talking quietly while you nodded in and out. Probably one of the most clearest, heartfelt, man-to-man talks we've ever had. Nurses and orderlies made their rounds, moments of silence, more bleeps.

Things went well, for all intents and purposes, though I don't know all of the specifics.
Won't know for another two weeks... But you are doing better.

sigh.

...

Heavy day...

Monday, October 22, 2007

David Bowie ChaChaChaChanges

I sent out my first resume today.

Well, technically my second, though my first application attempt met with disaster, mainly due to the fact that I never really ever wrote a resume before this August. And I sent it to a somewhat large internet giant corporation that recently opened offices in my little town, that I did not really expect to hear back from. Not that I don't think I deserve to work there, but I probably wouldn't have hired me either, looking at that rubbish.

That's one of the easy things about food service. No resumes, no cover letters, refrences, yes, but still...

Not that I don't enjoy cooking. As an adult I get to make messes, play with knives, start fires, and produce something tangible with my hands. I feel a vague sense of worth at the end of the day, knowing I've created something...

But after six years...

I'm ready to do more.

Though I've been struggling, putting things off, just as I have for a very long time. Its hard to inspire myself to make major changes in my life. But they are needed. I've been driving the Lady crazy, and probably myself too, my stubbornness, my moodiness, just how depressed I've been in my past.

...

I've changed drastically in the last two months, so much so my system hasn't been able to process most of them.

I wake up around 8 am. I'm currently, (with the kittens' help) trying to push that back to 7. Well, maybe 7:32. I drink maybe once a week. I haven't played video games in probably two weeks, and I don't think I will for a while. I read before I go to bed, and I usually drink a spot o' tea before so. I attempted to write a short story the other morning. I go for walks in the early evening. The weather has been unseasonably, perfectly golden for this late in October. I explore neighborhoods that I have never seen before. I found a park near the house, with a little bench to sit on, underneath three magnificently red-leaved maple trees, hues of red I didn't think existed. (my thoughtful place, as Pooh would have it.) I started up blogging again, trying to maintain contact with old friends i've neglected along the way. I went to the dentist, the first time in literally 8 years.

Though I still have a ways to go.

...

Wish me luck in the job hunt. This state is in major recession.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wars Not Make One Great

i'm currently at war with one of our dishwashers, though its more of a cold war, undeclared, and i'm pretty sure he is not aware we are engaging in battle whenever he puts on his ipod.

i do not possess an ipod, nor do i really want one. For the last year i've labored (a labor of love) at my job, we've depended on good old fashion cd's, and innumerable stereo's and cd players we've sent to an early grave through continuous use. And for the longest time we've managed to maintain a civil relationship; this new-fangled technology threatens our delicate balance of rotation. Once the cd is done, the next person puts on their music of choice. Everyone gets a turn. Though we may not all agree on said choice of music, the balance is there. This balance is sacred.

Until White-e puts on his ipod, and a two hour playlist of the finest hip-hop and R&B classics he can muster.

(i call him White-e due to his being white, yet blatantly co-opting black culture and speech mannerisms)

Don't get me wrong, i do not dislike hip-hop. i fear that my hip-hop tastes are somewhat behind the times, about ten years by my count. i recently asked White-e to burn me a copy of a Busta Rhymes album circa 1997, much to his surprise.

Its about the balance. Our sacred balance.

So lately i've been picking some of the albums that i like that i know he will probably despise. Maybe an album or two that i'm not even sure i like, just to watch him squirm, like said Busta Rhymes album, just because i'm sure its 'old school' to him.

So for our battle today i launched a massive salvo of the When-Bob-Dylan-Found-Religion album, thinking he'll surely hate that.

But no. He trumped me by immediately asking 'who dat is?' a sign that i piqued his interest.
Then he counter-struck with a fierce barrage of Nina Simone.

Foiled.

i need to gather some more ammo, though luckily we don't work together for a while.

...

i made the call to the parents tonight, something i don't do very often, or shall we say, often enough.

i once had a dream about this subject, in which while standing on a very strange porch, the Lady berated me saying, "You don't call your parents enough, you're a bad son."

i'll admit, i'm fairly lax about it.

Though tonight the call did not bode well.

It seems the c-word strikes again.

Though not as serious as her first bout, i just wish it would leave my mother alone. She's been through enough already. Seriously.

...

Which reminds me, i gots to quit smoking.

Monday, October 8, 2007

P's and Q's And Climate Change

Is it just me, or is everyone i know on some kind of twisted wavelength, being tweaked like a spring, going through some kind of emotional, life-changing, pent up, beaten up, pressure-cooked change of some kind...?

Mayhaps its the 90 degree weather in this state, all week long, in October. For real. As i sweated in the kitchen (that has no, i repeat, no ventilation) i kept thinking in my delirious state, "God, i can't wait for the summer to end." Upon going outside for the umpteenth smoke break ( i take a few too many, then again, i don't really get a legitimate (according to labor laws) break, nor would i take one), i realized that it was, in fact, technically the start of the second week of October, which in these parts should be quite nasty, rainy, and cold. I have heard coworkers complaining that its too hot, which bothers me, simply cuz in about a months time they will be complaining that it is, in fact, simply, too cold. Much like when people step out of the freezer they say, "Golly gee, its cold in there."

No shit.

Get over it.

But really, people are tweaking lately. Real bad. And I am one of them.

...

An old friend walked me home from the bar. Both of us fairly buzzed thanks to A local Brew Company that has some quite stiff pints. i only had three, which is more than enough really. But still, even though this length of time has passed (i haven't seen him in months) it just felt like no time had passed, and his main problems were just like mine.

I'm so glad for friends like these.

Like that album that upon the first few listens didn't really quite do it, but after picking it up after a few months, it suddenly saves your soul...

Friday, October 5, 2007

To Crush My Enemies... (What is Best in Life)

Rough day... rough, rough day.

Had a little anxiety attack.

Quite a bit o' money worrying that has got to stop.

i mean, its good i'm actually paying attention to this stuff.

i just wish i had thought to do this earlier in my lifetime.

and though i'm loathe to do it, i'm looking into credit cards, smartly i might add.

been researching it pretty much all day.

Ruthless!

Satan cuts better deals than this.

Adding money to my list of mortal enemies.

...

i'm watching this show, Modern Marvels, all about the making and history of athletic instruments, i.e. Balls used in any major sport that uses balls.

Amazingly entertaining, surprising and informative. i'll be thinking twice before giving a new tennis ball to a dog. A lot of work go into those things. And the childish sense of humor i sometimes exhibit. Giggling everytime they say Balls. They use the word every other minute.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

More Than a Feeling Forever!

Due to a certain someone's contest announcement, i've decided to do a little research on my fair state.

I found that my state's motto is actually, "if you seek a pleasant peninsula, look around you." Which truth be told, is a pretty lame motto. I mean, are these really words to live by, our solemn vows?

Don't get me wrong, i enjoy me a good peninsula. Shee-iiittt!, i love me some peninsula. But that's not exactly what inspired me to move here. And trust me, i've looked around me, but i haven't seen any good peninsulas around this town.

...

My state's slogan is actually "Water Wonderland" due to the fact that Minnesota already has claims to the slogan of "Land of 10,000 lakes." Which is odd because Minnesota actually has about 15,000 inland lakes, whereas we only have about 11,000 (and counting) lakes in Michigan.

Goddamn Minnesotans. Liars all of you.

Again, i have to say "Water Wonderland" is equally lame. And not much of a slogan to boot.

...

Ever notice how whatever state in the union you live in, there's always another state that is your state's sworn enemy and mortal arch-nemesis. Like, Illinois Vs. Wisconsin. Michigan Vs. Ohio. Where did these hatreds begin? Why do we perpetuate them? And i hope its not simply sports related. I want violent histories of revenge and blood-lust. Wrongs being righted. Blood having blood having blood. Wergild.

...

If my early memories of growing up in the Chicago suburbs serve me right, "Yes! Michigan! The Feeling's Forever," was merely an ad campaign to lure unsuspecting peoples over here for tourism or other such nonsense. I remember the commercials. (I always remember the commercials. How much of my brain capacity is strictly devoted to remembering commercials?) Not quite worthy of the motto, or slogan status, but how can you compete with the above examples?

It really is true, though. The feeling is forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. With pleasant peninsulas all around. Forever-ever.

...

Well, this entry of fun-filled Michigan facts was brought to you by my good friend, Charles Shaw.

Plenty more facts to come!

...

Ps. What is the difference between slogan and motto anyway?