Minivanity, or Perhaps More Mumblings on Age and Such

Minivan.

They bought another minivan. This fact brought great joy to me, that in their retirement age, they bought another minivan.

In made sense while growing up, especially when i left for college. Having had two older siblings go before me, they knew the moving process. I just happened to stay somewhere in that college-esqe lifestyle, pretty much having had to move to a new apartment, even a new state, year after year throughout most of my twenties. They helped me move quite a bit.

but now?

still, its a sweet van though, dude.

(never thought i'd ever utter that sentence in my lifetime)

The side door opens by itself, at the touch of a button. I feel like I possess the Force when i touch the handle, and the door just auotmatically glides open. Not to mention heated seats, control panels for climate control in the back, plush interior, and at least fifteen cup holders. We know, because my sister and i counted them over the holiday.

Oh ye technology.

Its just that they've contemplated getting some sort of "regular" car for the longest time, and time and time again, its a new van. At least four by my count.

but really dude, its a sweet van.

...

They took me to a new Thai place, at my request, as this dinner was to be a celebratory dinner, the celebration of my birthday, though it really is a week away.

I'm always grumpy around my birthday, no matter what, though this year, things are a little heavier than usual in my life, so honestly i haven't paid it much thought.

Though, when i do think about it, i suppose i get a little angsty.

As a friend put it, "who thought that when she was 29 it would all make sense and she would stop acting like she was 17." (in regards to life and relationships)...

In some ways that's so true. I've come so far, but at times, feel I haven't aged a day. Some things i've truly learned, yet, with other things i just fall back into, over and over...

Ok. I lied.

I have been thinking about my age very much this past week.

Too much, in fact.

I digress...

I opened the birthday card i the restaurant, though i asked first if that was ok, only because the card had a strange bump in the middle.

It read, "a long, long time ago..." on the front, and as I opened it, the Star Wars theme blared out from within, and finished with "...you were born."

And I sometimes wonder why I'm attracted to sci-fi and dorkness so much.

They told me stories of job hunting, of the trials and tribulations they went through after move after move, of the hard process, the denials, and sometimes the random luck that brought steady employment their way.

I appreciated it. As i grow older, the more human my parents have become. And I realize all of the hardships and mistakes they made in their past, the choices they chose, though to me, I was just a kid, had no idea what they were going through. To me, it was just another move to another state, new friends, new schools, new locations.

I don't know what i'm mulling over right now. I suppose every year older i get, i feel as if i'm supposed to feel a certain way, now that I've attained this new age, though it always seems looking back on it, I don't seem to know exactly why i felt that way, and that it feels so different upon reflection. Like, "what was I thinking all that for, 27 really wasn't all that bad."

Maybe i just say this every year, about every birthday. Maybe its the current situation. Maybe its the proximity to 30.

In a way i'm glad to be getting done with my twenties. A coworker once told me how he would never, ever, if given the chance, ever repeat and relive his twenties. "What a train wreck that was."

For some reason it just feels as though at thirty, the pressure's off. I'm no longer hip, young and cool. I'm aged.

Sigh. I'll stop.

...

Tomorrow, I go to the Dentist, Dr. T as I call him. Getting two fillings repaired. Ugh.

Historically, i've never done well with the dentist. Root canals are not fun, especially when you go to the local college school of dentistry to save a buck, and "magically" the novacaine doesn't work, and they go through with the drilling anyway. And then you decline the pain meds, because you were straight-edge at the time (sort of).

Friday, i go to the doctor. Kinda nervous about that one. Haven't been in a long time.

If there is one positive about my job now, is that they do offer medical benefits. You'd be hard pressed to find health insurance in the food service industry.

Home, and Finding a New Home

As I stepped through the door, the familiar smells greeted me, the smell of home. Though it was nearing two in the morning, my parents had stayed up to welcome us. Even more welcoming was my mother's chili, still warm in a pot on the stove, of which i ate two bowls.

My sister and her husband had picked me up along their way from Chicago. Being the day before Thanksgiving, traffic in the city was entirely crazy, and to travel 56 miles took them three hours.

We stayed up a little longer, watching my parents' extensive cable, chit-chatting about the little things, how work was going, etc... Though i could tell they were walking on egg shells around me, and did so for most of the time I spent at home.

Somehow the watching of a B movie, which typically contains lots of crass humor and many, upon many, nude scenes of ladies, has become a family tradition. Last year at Christmas my father made us watch Duece Bigalow 2, yes, the sequel. This year it happened to be the fine holiday film, Beerfest. Oh the things to be thankful for. Other holiday favorites include, Invasion of the Bee Women, Little Otek, and the entire video tape of my performance in the high school musical Grease, in which i had no leading role whatsoever. I fear what Christmas will bring this year.

Though the family rarely gets together in full for Thanksgiving, we were absent one member of the family, my brother who is currently living in Taiwan, studying Chinese. So we took one of his high school photographs my mother has placed around the house, and created a photo montage of his picture as if the picture were him.

Snap shots of a plate of food set before his picture. His picture in bed with a pantless Spock doll my mother found at a rummage sale. His picture watching TV on the couch. With old, stuffed animals left in our closests from childhood. In the old Chi-Chi's sombrero that one of my siblings recieved at a birthday dinner.

My sister plans to send them to him.

But it was so nice to be home. To take a break from the complications that have arisen. The changes taking place in my life...

...

Part of me greatly wishes to just be done with the next month. If i could sleep through it, and somehow wake up with this all behind me, it would be a great blessing. Or just push the fast forward button. But lately it seems that my life has been in some sort of fast forward already...

I've worked in the same place for four years. Somehow four years have just seemed to go by in the blink of an eye, and i'm left here, with my jaw open, thinking, "wow, where did it all go?"
What have I been doing?

It has kind of scared me.

Not that age really signifies anything. It really is just a number, a way of marking time, a point of reference. And though i'm still on the, uh, good side of 30, it really is moving in fast... i can't help, though, that i should have accomplished something more, should have been working towards some goal in life, beyond the daily contentment i used to have in doing my work, and going home to just live my life.

What more do i want? I'm not so sure anymore. Not sure that i've ever really known my calling in life. I've never really had much ambition. I haven't really had a major goal to acheive, beyond survival.

All of these thoughts...

I just can't seem to figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

Still.

...

There's much more i want to write about, but things are just a little too complicated right now.

Know then, that i am ok. That this last month has probably been the most intense time of my life, (beyond my Chicago year, if one can believe that), and that things are working out for the best.

That is all i can muster about the current situation.