Singing Joy to the World

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I'm coming up short these days. Apparently I've been doing it all wrong. Which is a surprise to me, considering I've had this job for the last three years and four months, and to hear that for the first time in three years and four months, is a little disheartening.

I can't go into specifics at the moment. Internet paranoia and all, which is funny, because I haven't updated this blog that no one reads in almost a year... let's just say, knowing my luck these days, I cannot be too careful.

I'm just sad, because I do like my job, and I think I do a good job. I'm content with my meager life. I'm 31 years old, I make very little money considering my level of higher education, and I've never been more comfortable with it (until four days ago). I respect my company immensely, and I feel like I'm treated very well given the nature of my work... But it seems the powers that be have some big changes in mind, and are demanding I change, too. I just think the approach they're taking is having the opposite affect then the one the are intending for me. I do lead a certain lifestyle that may not be considered normal to most people, but my personal life and the things I do outside of my job are quite important to me. And totally mine to live as I see fit.

and kind of completely f-ed up in other ways.

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Oh what tangled webs we weave.

I know my choosing to date you, dear girl, was a difficult decision to make, given the nature of our arrangement, and the complications we discussed at length would affect things, make this arrangement more difficult, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I suppose I could tell myself, "I told you so..." That I probably should have avoided you altogether, that I knew what I was getting into and did it anyway, but hey now, what kind of fun would that be?

Let's make a mess!

Which, despite the hard decisions, I do believe there's something good in you, worth having, which is why I went for it...

I'd like to think at my age, and given the level of things I've gone through in relationships, for relationships, I could say with some certainty that I know a thing or two, by now...

But, um, no.

I'm still the goofy 15 year old idiot about girls I've always been.

I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, and there for you, but I'm not getting anything back, here. When I need it. Because I am going through a tough time, and trying to figure out my life at the moment, which is quite suddenly all up in upheaval. It seems to be a theme, "I've just got a lot of personal shit I'm going through." But in a good relationship we should help each other through it.

I understand completely the need to be alone sometimes. And if this was a long term relationship, I'd be a little more "ok, you just need a break from me." But not after a month. This is just weird.

I just feel I'm being set-up here. Set-up to be made to look like the crazy one. That I'm the one with the problem...

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Which seems to be a running theme in my life.

On a good note, its funny rereading my last post, and considering how bad I freaked out about that situation, which righted itself quite well, honestly. Problems seem so huge when you're in them. Let's just say I had some flashback issues, about girls walking out on me. Sorry old roommate. I'm glad we're still friends. Except you took my "Batman Begins" DVD. That hurt. Then again, I was somewhat responsible for that after party, and the subsequent stealing of one of your possessions. My bad.

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I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation.

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All I can do is stay the course, wait and see how this all shapes up, and try to have a little fun here and there. I beat myself up too much when faced with difficulty. I know this. Keep breathing. Keep doing the things that bring me joy, and go on assuming that, to quote Spock from Star Trek 6, "that the universe will unfold, as it should."