Red Socks Pugie

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Yes. Yes it is.

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It happened a week ago tonight. I was about half-way through the bottle of sake I bought after work, one of my new and improved ways of enabling alcohol to get me through the winter, an experiment if you will, when I realized that the booze wasn't helping anything anymore.

Perhaps it was the combination: loss of appetite lately, recent breakup, troubles with the band I'm in, unrelenting work stress, stress from the b company and our very important string of shows coming up, family issues, and getting sick again, on top of pretty much being sick in some form or another, (even getting food poisoning or a nasty stomach bug (still reluctant about Chinese food to this day)), since Christmas. Oh, and my usual vices, of which I have been so fond of for so very long. And that I haven't had a proper vacation in a very long time.

And the fact that its February, and I hate motha' fucking February.

Michigan winters are completely brutal to my psyche, and pretty much everyone else's as well.

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I remember a week ago checking the Cr@gslist missed connections, of which I am also fond of doing, and finding a record 7 posts in one day, that were all breakup oriented/not actual missed connections. Just lots of confused, angry souls screaming into the void to figure out what just happened.

I laughed at it, even though I was left feeling the same way...

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I was rather enjoying the sake. I have this hot plate coffee mug warmer that literally doubled as a sake warmer. I will sing its praises eternally, and is currently one of my favorite pieces of technology that has actually benefited my life. Also had a thought: mild mannered coffee warmer by day, seedy, dubious sake warmer by night.

Though I had to resort to hot water from the faucet to heat up the bottle initially, by the time you're 2/3 down to the end, the sake gets fantastically hot. Not too mention the buzz is pretty potent. Bubbly and fun, but look out. Throws a nasty drunk left hook out of nowhere, and at that point its probably best to stop drinking.

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I suppose it was the sinking realization, the gnawing in the pit of my stomach.

The booze wasn't helping. I wasn't enjoying it. Things were seriously messed in my life, all hitting me at once, almost, and there I sat, staring at the bottle, staring at the little hearts that adorn the hot plate (I found it in a thrift store. Not exactly my style of decor, but hey, it cost 2 bucks), realizing it wasn't working anymore.

I finished the bottle and tried best I could to pass out as per usual, but the recent sickness had decided to go full blown again. I hacked up goo all night, coughing non-stop, and upon waking found that my problems hadn't gone away, of course.

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Let's just say that's the closest I've come to a full on mental break-down in a long time.

And I will say this again and again, that I have some amazing friends.

And some amazing friends that I let down that day, calling off on a very important show almost entirely last minute, which screwed up some stuff...

I did manage to pull my shit together for the following show, the next day, which went awesomely, and I performed in front of a sold out show, of maybe almost a thousand people? probably less, but damn, lots of people got to see my junk.

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And there's even a coworker, I'd like to thank, who time and time again has given me sage advice in my desperate times of need.

She mentioned something a week or so ago, about quitting drinking in February, at which I scoffed, half jokingly, but yeah, more like, "are you insane? The most bone crushing, depressing month in all of Michigan, and you're quitting drinking?" I asked her that three times, just to stress the half serious part.

She simply nodded three times, each time, and said, "Yep. Best decision I've made in a while."

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Mmmmm. Sake. I can't say I enjoy the flavor at first. Sort of resembles really cheap vodka in taste at first. But something about the heat element. That last third of the bottle, so warm and steamy, the buzz inside my body, so warm on these dark and lonesome winter nights, whooo. Was really just starting to enjoy that.

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I'm off booze for a bit. Haven't drank since Monday, and even then that was 3 beers. Definitely avoiding the The Bar for a while, perhaps even longer. Let's just say dating in this small town can be quite difficult. There's a reason to be quiet about dating around here. Its a small enough, readily available dating pool, and incestuous (i.e. dating someone that someone you know has dated - basically, everybody has pretty much had sex with everybody else). and people can be quite overly dramatic about it, once they find out you're seeing someone new. Ah...

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Though at the moment I'm not too sure about the future of this blog. Its comforting to write again, to scream all my personal problems into the void again. Honestly I'm not sure how many people even read it. I've only told a few of my close friends about it, which is odd, I know, how I'll let total strangers in on some personal shit, but won't tell anyone I know about the fact I keep a blog.

In some ways I started this blog to poke fun at my current career move, (Yes, I'm still a lowly prep cook) but also started out to celebrate the fact that I had taken a serious step in a relationship, moving in with someone, getting engaged, what was supposed to be joy, cataloging our new life together... I guess I've always been somewhat uncomfortable about that, in regards to writing in this one. Psychic weight, I suppose, a term I'm borrowing from an old writing instructor of mine.

(Some days I really miss Di@ryland.)

I've also had an idea for a couple different blogs I may want to try out, not just another me ranting personal crap on the internet. But one requires I enter the technological year beyond 2000 and buy a digital camera.

We'll see.
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