Song in Numbers

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Riders of Brohan, what news from the mark?

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I feel like complaining. So that's just what I'll do.

I guess my baggage is this: I'm a little tired after wading through shit for the last three years. I'd like something to be worthwhile, some glimmer of hope, some sort of Plan A action, where you have, in fact, have chosen me as a suitor.

I swear I'm good for it. That's what all the ex's tell me. How much of a nice guy I am, how I'll make someone so happy some day, how awesome I am.

I mean, fuck, I won't cheat on you. At all. I can pretty much only handle one lady at a time, if that, so don't worry, there will be no two timing.

And I think I'm learning these days, now that I've crossed the thirties threshold, and have been through some shit, how to talk about it all, openly and honestly.

I guess I just can't expect people who are roughly the same age as me to act accordingly. I'm not perfect, but damn. I keep thinking people will take me as openly and honestly as I take them. This is the lesson I will not learn.

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I'm aggravated at the moment because I just don't know how to read you. I mean, we've been on five dates, so I'm not expecting marriage and babies and shit, but the clear signal just isn't coming through. There's the hot, then the cold, and the last text message I've received was both. I just didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

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Gotta stop trying to date in the middle of a Michigan winter. Every goes nuts in the winter.

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But this is just when it happens for me. And this time, last night, i saw glimpses of "oh wow, this person is actually special. I think it could work..." And then I get excited, and then...

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Then I think a lot. Sometimes too much. Which I've already been doing. But I think its coming from you, honestly. I'm ready for something real. And I'm better at reading the red flags, and actually trying to heed them, rather than blindingly blazing ahead. Which I tend to jump in too soon, but damn, hey, humanity, I'm not the first. Most people do. Otherwise we wouldn't have too many stupid Romantic comedies.

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I really hate Rom Coms. More-so I hate people that actually think that's how love should be. Its fake! A fantasy!

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Men

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I would very muchly like to know...

This extends to far too many people I know these days.

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But I suppose I'm too afraid to ask.

Which isn't entirely true. I could very well perfectly ask you directly like a grown-up might, but let's face it, grown-ups don't exactly ever act like grown-ups 100% of the time. If they did this world we all share may be somewhat more of a tolerable place for everyone to live. But alas, we all seem to expect other people to act grown-up, while we shout our own heads off, temper tantruming the whole way through it all.

I want to sing songs about people's over-inflated sense of self-entitlement.

No one has ever been hurt as badly as you have.

No one.

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Lately I've been feeling as if I'm secretly some sort of a drama queen. Or not secretly. Maybe people actually say that about me, behind my back. I don't know, I haven't asked anyone, but I'm very tempted some days. "What do you really think of me?"

Now, I haven't exactly updated this thing, or any other kind of journal or diary, or anything, for some time, but that doesn't mean all sorts of crazy shit doesn't keep happening to me. And in my defense, I feel like I'm a reasonably adjusted adult, have held a steady job for some time now, have a stable home life, getting older now, that I'm into my thirties... I feel more adult than I ever have, but sometimes adult things do not happen to me. And I quickly revert to some childish mindset, which is kind of odd...

There's currently two major upsets going on in my life at the moment. One, involving a coworker, which has gotten so blown out of proportion, I hate admit thinking about outside of work, but its getting to me.

The other, involving my love life, which is of course always in some sort of tortuous state, which this time I didn't even do anything wrong, but I'm going to (about to) get reamed for it, and its going to fuck up a lot of the things I really enjoy doing with my freetime, ie. the whole burlesque thing, which is just starting to get waaaayyyy awesome, because I'm proud of what we do, and I love doing it...

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I've been friend-zoned by so many girls in my time...

Its very odd to have the shoe on the other foot.

But how could you not know I wasn't going to go for it, given what happened last time?

And I don't understand how this is my responsibility. You fell for me. How is this my fault?

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This in a long line of one happening after another... Sometimes I hope I'm like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, crawling through a tunnel of shit, waiting for the rain of freedom...

Then I also remember I don't exactly have it all that bad, all things considered. Like that whole third world existence thing. That I can turn a knob and get water. I have electricity. Medical care, etc.... I live in a pretty safe world, where I'm at.

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Which leads me to my other coworker, who went absolutely apeshit on me about kicking over a cardboard box, with cardboard scraps in it. Because it was in my way, and had no business being in the way, and its only cardboard. I would have offered to pick it up afterwards, but the two times you got in my face and screamed about it, I decided it was not in my best interest. This guy seriously scares me, and is now playing the "I'm going to kill you with kindness routine" because we all know that passive-aggressive means "not aggressive and I can get away with it at work, but you can't be mad about it because I'm being extra 'nice'"

Fuck that.

But yeah, hey, coworker, guess what, you win. Because I'm still thinking about this shit, when really, its so insignificant.

Then again, that's life.

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Everything that shines ain't always going to be gold.

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Huff. Just needed to get some things off the brain, or at least into the great void of the internet.

This One is Cursed

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Makes me lol every time.

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I'm still having trouble acclimating, honestly. About a great many things.

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I finally went and got myself off on the vacation I've been needing to take for so very long now. I've been back to work for almost two weeks now. In reality, it took about 32 minutes on my first day back for the familiar feeling to descend... "Oh, yeah... I have to work for a living. In this place. This is how work is."

Right where I left it, I suppose... Not that this is an admonishment that I dislike my job. No. No. No. I greatly appreciate the company I work for, and the work I do. It gets a little crazy there, like any job, and its not a utopian society, by any means. But I do appreciate where I'm at. I'm in a good place.

I guess, its just over the last week and a half of being back, I'm not particularly feeling it anymore. Mainly, the whole "I have to work for a living" thing, which of course we all (lucky few aside) have to do.

No. Its more the routine. I read a zine once, in which the writer remarked how they were stuck in the rut of self-improvement. They were doing things "better" (eating healthier, exercising, not swearing so much, etc- the things we always tell ourselves we're going to start doing to 'get our shit together' but never really do.) The point was that the rut of self-improvement was still a rut, and they were still stuck...

I'm partly going through with that, trying to eat healthier, and take better care of my body, eventually quitting smoking very, very soon (see above parentheses), not drinking so much (<---). And I'm making progress. Sort of.

But its deeper than that, the routine of work. How quickly my mind jumped back into its "work mode," which is all I can really call it. Just the way my thought process happens while I'm work.

Like, what do you think about at work all day? What do you daydream? What fantasies do you have while on the job?

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Some days I have entire conversations in my head. Sometimes with the girl I like at the moment. Or conversations with girls in my past that should happened, or happened a different way than I would have liked. Or conversations with someone in my life, non-girl related, that I might be in some sort of drama with. Maybe my boss, or some idiot coworker that said something completely stupid. Sometimes its scenarios that I play out over and over again that never happen.

One of my favorites, is the "I win the super jackpot lottery!!!" and think of all the shit I'd spend limitless money on. Which honestly isn't much, I guess... But who knows? I think of myself as meek and humble. I don't ask for a whole lot... Money is a great tool, and necessary, but damn, I'm not that into it honestly. But I daydream about the house I want to buy (I know exactly which one, the one I lived in before moving in with the ex-f, I don't know why. Living there just made complete sense for three years, and was awesome. I miss it dearly. People I know in town live there, and I get real weird when I go to parties there. Oh, snap. Earlier blog entries will explain it), the additions I'd make to it, shit I would buy...

And I rarely, rarely play the lottery. If at all. But I still have that day dream...

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Heh. I didn't even begin to talk about vacation...

Which was awesome in so many regards. Thank you, Chicago. Though you and I disagreed about a great many things when I lived in you, you're still there for me when I want to come visit.

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Anyways, I've kind of stumbled away from my point, which I kind of forgot what I was really trying to get to, here.

Oh, basically, all of the problems I left behind to go on vacation to get away from, are still kind of hanging around...

I mean, yeah. no. Of course.

I'm just not dealing with them, as I should be, or shouldn't be. Either trying to resolve them, or let them go (like, really let them go).

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Which really is most of life I suppose.

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I guess what I'm realizing these days is that no matter how much you think you've got your life "together" or no matter how much your life is in shambles, figuring it all out, figuring out your life, is something you're going to be doing for the rest of it. At all times. No matter what happens.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what's next...

Red Socks Pugie

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Yes. Yes it is.

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It happened a week ago tonight. I was about half-way through the bottle of sake I bought after work, one of my new and improved ways of enabling alcohol to get me through the winter, an experiment if you will, when I realized that the booze wasn't helping anything anymore.

Perhaps it was the combination: loss of appetite lately, recent breakup, troubles with the band I'm in, unrelenting work stress, stress from the b company and our very important string of shows coming up, family issues, and getting sick again, on top of pretty much being sick in some form or another, (even getting food poisoning or a nasty stomach bug (still reluctant about Chinese food to this day)), since Christmas. Oh, and my usual vices, of which I have been so fond of for so very long. And that I haven't had a proper vacation in a very long time.

And the fact that its February, and I hate motha' fucking February.

Michigan winters are completely brutal to my psyche, and pretty much everyone else's as well.

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I remember a week ago checking the Cr@gslist missed connections, of which I am also fond of doing, and finding a record 7 posts in one day, that were all breakup oriented/not actual missed connections. Just lots of confused, angry souls screaming into the void to figure out what just happened.

I laughed at it, even though I was left feeling the same way...

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I was rather enjoying the sake. I have this hot plate coffee mug warmer that literally doubled as a sake warmer. I will sing its praises eternally, and is currently one of my favorite pieces of technology that has actually benefited my life. Also had a thought: mild mannered coffee warmer by day, seedy, dubious sake warmer by night.

Though I had to resort to hot water from the faucet to heat up the bottle initially, by the time you're 2/3 down to the end, the sake gets fantastically hot. Not too mention the buzz is pretty potent. Bubbly and fun, but look out. Throws a nasty drunk left hook out of nowhere, and at that point its probably best to stop drinking.

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I suppose it was the sinking realization, the gnawing in the pit of my stomach.

The booze wasn't helping. I wasn't enjoying it. Things were seriously messed in my life, all hitting me at once, almost, and there I sat, staring at the bottle, staring at the little hearts that adorn the hot plate (I found it in a thrift store. Not exactly my style of decor, but hey, it cost 2 bucks), realizing it wasn't working anymore.

I finished the bottle and tried best I could to pass out as per usual, but the recent sickness had decided to go full blown again. I hacked up goo all night, coughing non-stop, and upon waking found that my problems hadn't gone away, of course.

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Let's just say that's the closest I've come to a full on mental break-down in a long time.

And I will say this again and again, that I have some amazing friends.

And some amazing friends that I let down that day, calling off on a very important show almost entirely last minute, which screwed up some stuff...

I did manage to pull my shit together for the following show, the next day, which went awesomely, and I performed in front of a sold out show, of maybe almost a thousand people? probably less, but damn, lots of people got to see my junk.

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And there's even a coworker, I'd like to thank, who time and time again has given me sage advice in my desperate times of need.

She mentioned something a week or so ago, about quitting drinking in February, at which I scoffed, half jokingly, but yeah, more like, "are you insane? The most bone crushing, depressing month in all of Michigan, and you're quitting drinking?" I asked her that three times, just to stress the half serious part.

She simply nodded three times, each time, and said, "Yep. Best decision I've made in a while."

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Mmmmm. Sake. I can't say I enjoy the flavor at first. Sort of resembles really cheap vodka in taste at first. But something about the heat element. That last third of the bottle, so warm and steamy, the buzz inside my body, so warm on these dark and lonesome winter nights, whooo. Was really just starting to enjoy that.

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I'm off booze for a bit. Haven't drank since Monday, and even then that was 3 beers. Definitely avoiding the The Bar for a while, perhaps even longer. Let's just say dating in this small town can be quite difficult. There's a reason to be quiet about dating around here. Its a small enough, readily available dating pool, and incestuous (i.e. dating someone that someone you know has dated - basically, everybody has pretty much had sex with everybody else). and people can be quite overly dramatic about it, once they find out you're seeing someone new. Ah...

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Though at the moment I'm not too sure about the future of this blog. Its comforting to write again, to scream all my personal problems into the void again. Honestly I'm not sure how many people even read it. I've only told a few of my close friends about it, which is odd, I know, how I'll let total strangers in on some personal shit, but won't tell anyone I know about the fact I keep a blog.

In some ways I started this blog to poke fun at my current career move, (Yes, I'm still a lowly prep cook) but also started out to celebrate the fact that I had taken a serious step in a relationship, moving in with someone, getting engaged, what was supposed to be joy, cataloging our new life together... I guess I've always been somewhat uncomfortable about that, in regards to writing in this one. Psychic weight, I suppose, a term I'm borrowing from an old writing instructor of mine.

(Some days I really miss Di@ryland.)

I've also had an idea for a couple different blogs I may want to try out, not just another me ranting personal crap on the internet. But one requires I enter the technological year beyond 2000 and buy a digital camera.

We'll see.
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Singing Joy to the World

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I'm coming up short these days. Apparently I've been doing it all wrong. Which is a surprise to me, considering I've had this job for the last three years and four months, and to hear that for the first time in three years and four months, is a little disheartening.

I can't go into specifics at the moment. Internet paranoia and all, which is funny, because I haven't updated this blog that no one reads in almost a year... let's just say, knowing my luck these days, I cannot be too careful.

I'm just sad, because I do like my job, and I think I do a good job. I'm content with my meager life. I'm 31 years old, I make very little money considering my level of higher education, and I've never been more comfortable with it (until four days ago). I respect my company immensely, and I feel like I'm treated very well given the nature of my work... But it seems the powers that be have some big changes in mind, and are demanding I change, too. I just think the approach they're taking is having the opposite affect then the one the are intending for me. I do lead a certain lifestyle that may not be considered normal to most people, but my personal life and the things I do outside of my job are quite important to me. And totally mine to live as I see fit.

and kind of completely f-ed up in other ways.

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Oh what tangled webs we weave.

I know my choosing to date you, dear girl, was a difficult decision to make, given the nature of our arrangement, and the complications we discussed at length would affect things, make this arrangement more difficult, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I suppose I could tell myself, "I told you so..." That I probably should have avoided you altogether, that I knew what I was getting into and did it anyway, but hey now, what kind of fun would that be?

Let's make a mess!

Which, despite the hard decisions, I do believe there's something good in you, worth having, which is why I went for it...

I'd like to think at my age, and given the level of things I've gone through in relationships, for relationships, I could say with some certainty that I know a thing or two, by now...

But, um, no.

I'm still the goofy 15 year old idiot about girls I've always been.

I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, and there for you, but I'm not getting anything back, here. When I need it. Because I am going through a tough time, and trying to figure out my life at the moment, which is quite suddenly all up in upheaval. It seems to be a theme, "I've just got a lot of personal shit I'm going through." But in a good relationship we should help each other through it.

I understand completely the need to be alone sometimes. And if this was a long term relationship, I'd be a little more "ok, you just need a break from me." But not after a month. This is just weird.

I just feel I'm being set-up here. Set-up to be made to look like the crazy one. That I'm the one with the problem...

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Which seems to be a running theme in my life.

On a good note, its funny rereading my last post, and considering how bad I freaked out about that situation, which righted itself quite well, honestly. Problems seem so huge when you're in them. Let's just say I had some flashback issues, about girls walking out on me. Sorry old roommate. I'm glad we're still friends. Except you took my "Batman Begins" DVD. That hurt. Then again, I was somewhat responsible for that after party, and the subsequent stealing of one of your possessions. My bad.

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I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation.

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All I can do is stay the course, wait and see how this all shapes up, and try to have a little fun here and there. I beat myself up too much when faced with difficulty. I know this. Keep breathing. Keep doing the things that bring me joy, and go on assuming that, to quote Spock from Star Trek 6, "that the universe will unfold, as it should."