Singing Joy to the World

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I'm coming up short these days. Apparently I've been doing it all wrong. Which is a surprise to me, considering I've had this job for the last three years and four months, and to hear that for the first time in three years and four months, is a little disheartening.

I can't go into specifics at the moment. Internet paranoia and all, which is funny, because I haven't updated this blog that no one reads in almost a year... let's just say, knowing my luck these days, I cannot be too careful.

I'm just sad, because I do like my job, and I think I do a good job. I'm content with my meager life. I'm 31 years old, I make very little money considering my level of higher education, and I've never been more comfortable with it (until four days ago). I respect my company immensely, and I feel like I'm treated very well given the nature of my work... But it seems the powers that be have some big changes in mind, and are demanding I change, too. I just think the approach they're taking is having the opposite affect then the one the are intending for me. I do lead a certain lifestyle that may not be considered normal to most people, but my personal life and the things I do outside of my job are quite important to me. And totally mine to live as I see fit.

and kind of completely f-ed up in other ways.

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Oh what tangled webs we weave.

I know my choosing to date you, dear girl, was a difficult decision to make, given the nature of our arrangement, and the complications we discussed at length would affect things, make this arrangement more difficult, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I suppose I could tell myself, "I told you so..." That I probably should have avoided you altogether, that I knew what I was getting into and did it anyway, but hey now, what kind of fun would that be?

Let's make a mess!

Which, despite the hard decisions, I do believe there's something good in you, worth having, which is why I went for it...

I'd like to think at my age, and given the level of things I've gone through in relationships, for relationships, I could say with some certainty that I know a thing or two, by now...

But, um, no.

I'm still the goofy 15 year old idiot about girls I've always been.

I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, and there for you, but I'm not getting anything back, here. When I need it. Because I am going through a tough time, and trying to figure out my life at the moment, which is quite suddenly all up in upheaval. It seems to be a theme, "I've just got a lot of personal shit I'm going through." But in a good relationship we should help each other through it.

I understand completely the need to be alone sometimes. And if this was a long term relationship, I'd be a little more "ok, you just need a break from me." But not after a month. This is just weird.

I just feel I'm being set-up here. Set-up to be made to look like the crazy one. That I'm the one with the problem...

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Which seems to be a running theme in my life.

On a good note, its funny rereading my last post, and considering how bad I freaked out about that situation, which righted itself quite well, honestly. Problems seem so huge when you're in them. Let's just say I had some flashback issues, about girls walking out on me. Sorry old roommate. I'm glad we're still friends. Except you took my "Batman Begins" DVD. That hurt. Then again, I was somewhat responsible for that after party, and the subsequent stealing of one of your possessions. My bad.

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I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation.

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All I can do is stay the course, wait and see how this all shapes up, and try to have a little fun here and there. I beat myself up too much when faced with difficulty. I know this. Keep breathing. Keep doing the things that bring me joy, and go on assuming that, to quote Spock from Star Trek 6, "that the universe will unfold, as it should."

Will Clap Their Hands

Um. I don't even know what to say about this image. Not sure which is creepier: Turtle shells with faces positioned inappropriately, or the drool hanging from their lips. Great mustaches, though.

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Warning: Debbie Downer ahead! read at own risk! Just needing to vent!
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I don't even know what's going on right now. This winter will not die. Its hanging on by a thread, and its driving me and everyone I know insane. Roommate suddenly wants to jet off to Alaska to do something ??? and basically move out by June 1 st. I mean, I'm all for doing what you gotta do, run away from whatever, and I'm not gonna tell you how to live... but try not to drag other people into it, specifically people you share a lease with. Its really fucking up my shit, and try to give more than a month and a weeks notice. If you gotta runaway, do it, but know what you're running from, and at least get a basic plan together. Ahead of time.


On top of that, this house is literally falling apart. A giant tree fell in the back yard last Sunday. I found out about it, because I was sitting at my new, sweet desk I found on the side of the road (I love college town move out season! free shit!) in my room on my laptop, when I look out and see and hear shit hitting the side of the house, and branches moving in my window, and crap falling off the roof. I thought the aliens had come.


Also the bathroom sink is clogged, and I tried very man-like for three days to unclog it, after careful research on the subject on the internet, but to no avail. I even tried Coca-Cola, which I heard will eventually eat through most anything, like hair, and even teeth if left soaking in it for days. Like, dissolve the tooth. And people drink it every day. Hmmm. Oh, did I mention the toilet is leaking, into the floor. One day I'm going to go for a crap, and then bamn, the floor will give, and I'll be sitting on the crapper in the basement. Or cartoon like, the whole house will shift down instead, and I'll be suspended, mid air, on the john.


Moral of the story, is that unresponsive landlord isn't responsive.


Thus, I understand wanting to get out of this situation. I'm very much considering giving up this "gem" of an apartment; if not just to try something new. Lots of ghosts in this house. Not actual ones, its just got a lot of my history, history I've been so ready to leave behind. Especially with women that want to leave it, while I cohabitate with them. Sorry. Had to throw that one in there. Something shook me last night as all too familiar. Like the last one. And we're not even dating, or anything.

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whoa, tangent. I'm just pissed off about this right now, and stressed, and need a vacation, and have a been working on the burlesque stuff so much lately, which is good, but draining.

Did I mention I've almost finished my robot costume, built from cardboard from scratch, except for the most awesome Optimus Prime Helmet, that I found at the salvation army for six bucks?
With built in voice modifier? Dude. Its sweet. And saved me probably a whole days worth of work. I've probably put in over 40 hours on this project. I'm utterly sick of looking at cardboard.

But its for our next show, which is this friday. I'm pumped, but you wouldn't know it. At least I have Thursday off, completely to rest before the show. Unless I just totally cursed it by saying that. The way things are going these days...

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Ok. I feel somewhat better. Sigh. Things are changing so much again. So fast.


I secretly have an urge to steal someone's car, and just drive off somewhere wilderness-y and just camp out for a day or two. Be alone in wilderness for a bit. Clear the head out. Or something. Experience something else for a bit.


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