Men

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I would very muchly like to know...

This extends to far too many people I know these days.

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But I suppose I'm too afraid to ask.

Which isn't entirely true. I could very well perfectly ask you directly like a grown-up might, but let's face it, grown-ups don't exactly ever act like grown-ups 100% of the time. If they did this world we all share may be somewhat more of a tolerable place for everyone to live. But alas, we all seem to expect other people to act grown-up, while we shout our own heads off, temper tantruming the whole way through it all.

I want to sing songs about people's over-inflated sense of self-entitlement.

No one has ever been hurt as badly as you have.

No one.

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Lately I've been feeling as if I'm secretly some sort of a drama queen. Or not secretly. Maybe people actually say that about me, behind my back. I don't know, I haven't asked anyone, but I'm very tempted some days. "What do you really think of me?"

Now, I haven't exactly updated this thing, or any other kind of journal or diary, or anything, for some time, but that doesn't mean all sorts of crazy shit doesn't keep happening to me. And in my defense, I feel like I'm a reasonably adjusted adult, have held a steady job for some time now, have a stable home life, getting older now, that I'm into my thirties... I feel more adult than I ever have, but sometimes adult things do not happen to me. And I quickly revert to some childish mindset, which is kind of odd...

There's currently two major upsets going on in my life at the moment. One, involving a coworker, which has gotten so blown out of proportion, I hate admit thinking about outside of work, but its getting to me.

The other, involving my love life, which is of course always in some sort of tortuous state, which this time I didn't even do anything wrong, but I'm going to (about to) get reamed for it, and its going to fuck up a lot of the things I really enjoy doing with my freetime, ie. the whole burlesque thing, which is just starting to get waaaayyyy awesome, because I'm proud of what we do, and I love doing it...

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I've been friend-zoned by so many girls in my time...

Its very odd to have the shoe on the other foot.

But how could you not know I wasn't going to go for it, given what happened last time?

And I don't understand how this is my responsibility. You fell for me. How is this my fault?

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This in a long line of one happening after another... Sometimes I hope I'm like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, crawling through a tunnel of shit, waiting for the rain of freedom...

Then I also remember I don't exactly have it all that bad, all things considered. Like that whole third world existence thing. That I can turn a knob and get water. I have electricity. Medical care, etc.... I live in a pretty safe world, where I'm at.

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Which leads me to my other coworker, who went absolutely apeshit on me about kicking over a cardboard box, with cardboard scraps in it. Because it was in my way, and had no business being in the way, and its only cardboard. I would have offered to pick it up afterwards, but the two times you got in my face and screamed about it, I decided it was not in my best interest. This guy seriously scares me, and is now playing the "I'm going to kill you with kindness routine" because we all know that passive-aggressive means "not aggressive and I can get away with it at work, but you can't be mad about it because I'm being extra 'nice'"

Fuck that.

But yeah, hey, coworker, guess what, you win. Because I'm still thinking about this shit, when really, its so insignificant.

Then again, that's life.

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Everything that shines ain't always going to be gold.

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Huff. Just needed to get some things off the brain, or at least into the great void of the internet.

This One is Cursed

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Makes me lol every time.

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I'm still having trouble acclimating, honestly. About a great many things.

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I finally went and got myself off on the vacation I've been needing to take for so very long now. I've been back to work for almost two weeks now. In reality, it took about 32 minutes on my first day back for the familiar feeling to descend... "Oh, yeah... I have to work for a living. In this place. This is how work is."

Right where I left it, I suppose... Not that this is an admonishment that I dislike my job. No. No. No. I greatly appreciate the company I work for, and the work I do. It gets a little crazy there, like any job, and its not a utopian society, by any means. But I do appreciate where I'm at. I'm in a good place.

I guess, its just over the last week and a half of being back, I'm not particularly feeling it anymore. Mainly, the whole "I have to work for a living" thing, which of course we all (lucky few aside) have to do.

No. Its more the routine. I read a zine once, in which the writer remarked how they were stuck in the rut of self-improvement. They were doing things "better" (eating healthier, exercising, not swearing so much, etc- the things we always tell ourselves we're going to start doing to 'get our shit together' but never really do.) The point was that the rut of self-improvement was still a rut, and they were still stuck...

I'm partly going through with that, trying to eat healthier, and take better care of my body, eventually quitting smoking very, very soon (see above parentheses), not drinking so much (<---). And I'm making progress. Sort of.

But its deeper than that, the routine of work. How quickly my mind jumped back into its "work mode," which is all I can really call it. Just the way my thought process happens while I'm work.

Like, what do you think about at work all day? What do you daydream? What fantasies do you have while on the job?

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Some days I have entire conversations in my head. Sometimes with the girl I like at the moment. Or conversations with girls in my past that should happened, or happened a different way than I would have liked. Or conversations with someone in my life, non-girl related, that I might be in some sort of drama with. Maybe my boss, or some idiot coworker that said something completely stupid. Sometimes its scenarios that I play out over and over again that never happen.

One of my favorites, is the "I win the super jackpot lottery!!!" and think of all the shit I'd spend limitless money on. Which honestly isn't much, I guess... But who knows? I think of myself as meek and humble. I don't ask for a whole lot... Money is a great tool, and necessary, but damn, I'm not that into it honestly. But I daydream about the house I want to buy (I know exactly which one, the one I lived in before moving in with the ex-f, I don't know why. Living there just made complete sense for three years, and was awesome. I miss it dearly. People I know in town live there, and I get real weird when I go to parties there. Oh, snap. Earlier blog entries will explain it), the additions I'd make to it, shit I would buy...

And I rarely, rarely play the lottery. If at all. But I still have that day dream...

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Heh. I didn't even begin to talk about vacation...

Which was awesome in so many regards. Thank you, Chicago. Though you and I disagreed about a great many things when I lived in you, you're still there for me when I want to come visit.

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Anyways, I've kind of stumbled away from my point, which I kind of forgot what I was really trying to get to, here.

Oh, basically, all of the problems I left behind to go on vacation to get away from, are still kind of hanging around...

I mean, yeah. no. Of course.

I'm just not dealing with them, as I should be, or shouldn't be. Either trying to resolve them, or let them go (like, really let them go).

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Which really is most of life I suppose.

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I guess what I'm realizing these days is that no matter how much you think you've got your life "together" or no matter how much your life is in shambles, figuring it all out, figuring out your life, is something you're going to be doing for the rest of it. At all times. No matter what happens.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what's next...