Song in Numbers

...

Riders of Brohan, what news from the mark?

...

I feel like complaining. So that's just what I'll do.

I guess my baggage is this: I'm a little tired after wading through shit for the last three years. I'd like something to be worthwhile, some glimmer of hope, some sort of Plan A action, where you have, in fact, have chosen me as a suitor.

I swear I'm good for it. That's what all the ex's tell me. How much of a nice guy I am, how I'll make someone so happy some day, how awesome I am.

I mean, fuck, I won't cheat on you. At all. I can pretty much only handle one lady at a time, if that, so don't worry, there will be no two timing.

And I think I'm learning these days, now that I've crossed the thirties threshold, and have been through some shit, how to talk about it all, openly and honestly.

I guess I just can't expect people who are roughly the same age as me to act accordingly. I'm not perfect, but damn. I keep thinking people will take me as openly and honestly as I take them. This is the lesson I will not learn.

...

I'm aggravated at the moment because I just don't know how to read you. I mean, we've been on five dates, so I'm not expecting marriage and babies and shit, but the clear signal just isn't coming through. There's the hot, then the cold, and the last text message I've received was both. I just didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

...

Gotta stop trying to date in the middle of a Michigan winter. Every goes nuts in the winter.

...

But this is just when it happens for me. And this time, last night, i saw glimpses of "oh wow, this person is actually special. I think it could work..." And then I get excited, and then...

...

Then I think a lot. Sometimes too much. Which I've already been doing. But I think its coming from you, honestly. I'm ready for something real. And I'm better at reading the red flags, and actually trying to heed them, rather than blindingly blazing ahead. Which I tend to jump in too soon, but damn, hey, humanity, I'm not the first. Most people do. Otherwise we wouldn't have too many stupid Romantic comedies.

...

I really hate Rom Coms. More-so I hate people that actually think that's how love should be. Its fake! A fantasy!

...

Men

...

I would very muchly like to know...

This extends to far too many people I know these days.

...

But I suppose I'm too afraid to ask.

Which isn't entirely true. I could very well perfectly ask you directly like a grown-up might, but let's face it, grown-ups don't exactly ever act like grown-ups 100% of the time. If they did this world we all share may be somewhat more of a tolerable place for everyone to live. But alas, we all seem to expect other people to act grown-up, while we shout our own heads off, temper tantruming the whole way through it all.

I want to sing songs about people's over-inflated sense of self-entitlement.

No one has ever been hurt as badly as you have.

No one.

...

Lately I've been feeling as if I'm secretly some sort of a drama queen. Or not secretly. Maybe people actually say that about me, behind my back. I don't know, I haven't asked anyone, but I'm very tempted some days. "What do you really think of me?"

Now, I haven't exactly updated this thing, or any other kind of journal or diary, or anything, for some time, but that doesn't mean all sorts of crazy shit doesn't keep happening to me. And in my defense, I feel like I'm a reasonably adjusted adult, have held a steady job for some time now, have a stable home life, getting older now, that I'm into my thirties... I feel more adult than I ever have, but sometimes adult things do not happen to me. And I quickly revert to some childish mindset, which is kind of odd...

There's currently two major upsets going on in my life at the moment. One, involving a coworker, which has gotten so blown out of proportion, I hate admit thinking about outside of work, but its getting to me.

The other, involving my love life, which is of course always in some sort of tortuous state, which this time I didn't even do anything wrong, but I'm going to (about to) get reamed for it, and its going to fuck up a lot of the things I really enjoy doing with my freetime, ie. the whole burlesque thing, which is just starting to get waaaayyyy awesome, because I'm proud of what we do, and I love doing it...

...

I've been friend-zoned by so many girls in my time...

Its very odd to have the shoe on the other foot.

But how could you not know I wasn't going to go for it, given what happened last time?

And I don't understand how this is my responsibility. You fell for me. How is this my fault?

...

This in a long line of one happening after another... Sometimes I hope I'm like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, crawling through a tunnel of shit, waiting for the rain of freedom...

Then I also remember I don't exactly have it all that bad, all things considered. Like that whole third world existence thing. That I can turn a knob and get water. I have electricity. Medical care, etc.... I live in a pretty safe world, where I'm at.

...

Which leads me to my other coworker, who went absolutely apeshit on me about kicking over a cardboard box, with cardboard scraps in it. Because it was in my way, and had no business being in the way, and its only cardboard. I would have offered to pick it up afterwards, but the two times you got in my face and screamed about it, I decided it was not in my best interest. This guy seriously scares me, and is now playing the "I'm going to kill you with kindness routine" because we all know that passive-aggressive means "not aggressive and I can get away with it at work, but you can't be mad about it because I'm being extra 'nice'"

Fuck that.

But yeah, hey, coworker, guess what, you win. Because I'm still thinking about this shit, when really, its so insignificant.

Then again, that's life.

...

Everything that shines ain't always going to be gold.

...

Huff. Just needed to get some things off the brain, or at least into the great void of the internet.