The Other Side of Mt. Heartattack/The Horse You Ride

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So good.

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I've just spent the last few hours rereading this entire blog I've kept (sort of kept) over the last four years.

I guess this really isn't much of a blog. Like I said on the phone, its my way of dealing/not dealing with frustrating things that happen to me, largely personal, and mostly about relationships with the ladies.

In fact, it started out, albeit ill-fatedly, as a means to vent frustrations about the workplace, mostly in an anonymous fashion, as I still possess a sense of internet paranoia today. (the, 'someone I know might find this blog and report me at work' sense). Also trying my hand at comedy, and then it turns to tragic-comedy. Further more, it started out as an attempt to also catalog what was at the time, my engagement, and how my ex-f and I were just about to really start building our lives together. That of course, did not come to pass.

I took down most of the posts pertaining to her, at least the initial posts, not because they were too painful to reread, but mainly because they were awkward. And since she knew of this blog at the time, the first ten or so posts contained edits to some of the situations, parts where I gave-in to some of her demands, and rereading them now I sort of feel a sense of shame on my part. What little backbone I had then.

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Then the blog really begins to deteriorate. The aftermath. The rebuilding, the re-socialization back into this fine community. All the smoking, the drinking, night after night at the bar. All of the struggles with dating, my fragile, futile attempts to "put my life together." To bust out of the basement of prep cookery. Sometimes I'm amazed I've made it this far.

Still, this is how my life has gone for the most part. And beyond the first awkward entries, I can't edit it now. Though at the moment I'm contemplating giving you the web address for this site. You've asked to read it. And part of me is a little afraid of what you might think, but then again, I'm hoping that this, too, can be counted as a judgement free zone. These are the events in my life, that have made me who I am today. And since you're my partner, I don't feel a strong need to hide things from you. You know, so cleverly hidden on the INTERNET. In public view.

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And why for some reason, I find it safer to shout out my personal drama into the void, I'm not sure. I've only shown this blog to a few of you who actually know me, those few of you who may or may not still check up on this thing, which is cool if you don't, I'll admit I've been very not into reading yours, nothing personal against it, I just kinda stopped reading blogs altogether. And to my ever loving spam bots, Russian spam bots really like my blog, thanks.

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Once again, I may or may not update this thing. Probably. I mean, christ, there's evidence of my 'deciding' to 'finally' break down and get netflix... in 2007! I officially just got it two months ago.

Funny, though, the last post I had written, from December 30th, 2010, I hadn't posted until tonight. I do now remember not finishing it, mainly because I was about to launch into a tirade about romantic comedies, at which point I probably decided it was best to stop. Also this post is really funny, because, well, you know, the next day/night we ended up seeing each other on the dance floor, and then kissed. And then I awkwardly pulled you aside to tell you about the girl I had been on five dates with. I just wanted you to know I wasn't a douche bag.

So read on if you must. Or do not. Skip around, stay awhile. Just know it's all honest. Fairly raw writing. I made some bad choices over the years. And some good ones. Just don't judge me!

Song in Numbers

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Riders of Brohan, what news from the mark?

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I feel like complaining. So that's just what I'll do.

I guess my baggage is this: I'm a little tired after wading through shit for the last three years. I'd like something to be worthwhile, some glimmer of hope, some sort of Plan A action, where you have, in fact, have chosen me as a suitor.

I swear I'm good for it. That's what all the ex's tell me. How much of a nice guy I am, how I'll make someone so happy some day, how awesome I am.

I mean, fuck, I won't cheat on you. At all. I can pretty much only handle one lady at a time, if that, so don't worry, there will be no two timing.

And I think I'm learning these days, now that I've crossed the thirties threshold, and have been through some shit, how to talk about it all, openly and honestly.

I guess I just can't expect people who are roughly the same age as me to act accordingly. I'm not perfect, but damn. I keep thinking people will take me as openly and honestly as I take them. This is the lesson I will not learn.

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I'm aggravated at the moment because I just don't know how to read you. I mean, we've been on five dates, so I'm not expecting marriage and babies and shit, but the clear signal just isn't coming through. There's the hot, then the cold, and the last text message I've received was both. I just didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

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Gotta stop trying to date in the middle of a Michigan winter. Every goes nuts in the winter.

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But this is just when it happens for me. And this time, last night, i saw glimpses of "oh wow, this person is actually special. I think it could work..." And then I get excited, and then...

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Then I think a lot. Sometimes too much. Which I've already been doing. But I think its coming from you, honestly. I'm ready for something real. And I'm better at reading the red flags, and actually trying to heed them, rather than blindingly blazing ahead. Which I tend to jump in too soon, but damn, hey, humanity, I'm not the first. Most people do. Otherwise we wouldn't have too many stupid Romantic comedies.

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I really hate Rom Coms. More-so I hate people that actually think that's how love should be. Its fake! A fantasy!

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Men

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I would very muchly like to know...

This extends to far too many people I know these days.

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But I suppose I'm too afraid to ask.

Which isn't entirely true. I could very well perfectly ask you directly like a grown-up might, but let's face it, grown-ups don't exactly ever act like grown-ups 100% of the time. If they did this world we all share may be somewhat more of a tolerable place for everyone to live. But alas, we all seem to expect other people to act grown-up, while we shout our own heads off, temper tantruming the whole way through it all.

I want to sing songs about people's over-inflated sense of self-entitlement.

No one has ever been hurt as badly as you have.

No one.

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Lately I've been feeling as if I'm secretly some sort of a drama queen. Or not secretly. Maybe people actually say that about me, behind my back. I don't know, I haven't asked anyone, but I'm very tempted some days. "What do you really think of me?"

Now, I haven't exactly updated this thing, or any other kind of journal or diary, or anything, for some time, but that doesn't mean all sorts of crazy shit doesn't keep happening to me. And in my defense, I feel like I'm a reasonably adjusted adult, have held a steady job for some time now, have a stable home life, getting older now, that I'm into my thirties... I feel more adult than I ever have, but sometimes adult things do not happen to me. And I quickly revert to some childish mindset, which is kind of odd...

There's currently two major upsets going on in my life at the moment. One, involving a coworker, which has gotten so blown out of proportion, I hate admit thinking about outside of work, but its getting to me.

The other, involving my love life, which is of course always in some sort of tortuous state, which this time I didn't even do anything wrong, but I'm going to (about to) get reamed for it, and its going to fuck up a lot of the things I really enjoy doing with my freetime, ie. the whole burlesque thing, which is just starting to get waaaayyyy awesome, because I'm proud of what we do, and I love doing it...

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I've been friend-zoned by so many girls in my time...

Its very odd to have the shoe on the other foot.

But how could you not know I wasn't going to go for it, given what happened last time?

And I don't understand how this is my responsibility. You fell for me. How is this my fault?

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This in a long line of one happening after another... Sometimes I hope I'm like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, crawling through a tunnel of shit, waiting for the rain of freedom...

Then I also remember I don't exactly have it all that bad, all things considered. Like that whole third world existence thing. That I can turn a knob and get water. I have electricity. Medical care, etc.... I live in a pretty safe world, where I'm at.

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Which leads me to my other coworker, who went absolutely apeshit on me about kicking over a cardboard box, with cardboard scraps in it. Because it was in my way, and had no business being in the way, and its only cardboard. I would have offered to pick it up afterwards, but the two times you got in my face and screamed about it, I decided it was not in my best interest. This guy seriously scares me, and is now playing the "I'm going to kill you with kindness routine" because we all know that passive-aggressive means "not aggressive and I can get away with it at work, but you can't be mad about it because I'm being extra 'nice'"

Fuck that.

But yeah, hey, coworker, guess what, you win. Because I'm still thinking about this shit, when really, its so insignificant.

Then again, that's life.

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Everything that shines ain't always going to be gold.

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Huff. Just needed to get some things off the brain, or at least into the great void of the internet.

This One is Cursed

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Makes me lol every time.

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I'm still having trouble acclimating, honestly. About a great many things.

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I finally went and got myself off on the vacation I've been needing to take for so very long now. I've been back to work for almost two weeks now. In reality, it took about 32 minutes on my first day back for the familiar feeling to descend... "Oh, yeah... I have to work for a living. In this place. This is how work is."

Right where I left it, I suppose... Not that this is an admonishment that I dislike my job. No. No. No. I greatly appreciate the company I work for, and the work I do. It gets a little crazy there, like any job, and its not a utopian society, by any means. But I do appreciate where I'm at. I'm in a good place.

I guess, its just over the last week and a half of being back, I'm not particularly feeling it anymore. Mainly, the whole "I have to work for a living" thing, which of course we all (lucky few aside) have to do.

No. Its more the routine. I read a zine once, in which the writer remarked how they were stuck in the rut of self-improvement. They were doing things "better" (eating healthier, exercising, not swearing so much, etc- the things we always tell ourselves we're going to start doing to 'get our shit together' but never really do.) The point was that the rut of self-improvement was still a rut, and they were still stuck...

I'm partly going through with that, trying to eat healthier, and take better care of my body, eventually quitting smoking very, very soon (see above parentheses), not drinking so much (<---). And I'm making progress. Sort of.

But its deeper than that, the routine of work. How quickly my mind jumped back into its "work mode," which is all I can really call it. Just the way my thought process happens while I'm work.

Like, what do you think about at work all day? What do you daydream? What fantasies do you have while on the job?

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Some days I have entire conversations in my head. Sometimes with the girl I like at the moment. Or conversations with girls in my past that should happened, or happened a different way than I would have liked. Or conversations with someone in my life, non-girl related, that I might be in some sort of drama with. Maybe my boss, or some idiot coworker that said something completely stupid. Sometimes its scenarios that I play out over and over again that never happen.

One of my favorites, is the "I win the super jackpot lottery!!!" and think of all the shit I'd spend limitless money on. Which honestly isn't much, I guess... But who knows? I think of myself as meek and humble. I don't ask for a whole lot... Money is a great tool, and necessary, but damn, I'm not that into it honestly. But I daydream about the house I want to buy (I know exactly which one, the one I lived in before moving in with the ex-f, I don't know why. Living there just made complete sense for three years, and was awesome. I miss it dearly. People I know in town live there, and I get real weird when I go to parties there. Oh, snap. Earlier blog entries will explain it), the additions I'd make to it, shit I would buy...

And I rarely, rarely play the lottery. If at all. But I still have that day dream...

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Heh. I didn't even begin to talk about vacation...

Which was awesome in so many regards. Thank you, Chicago. Though you and I disagreed about a great many things when I lived in you, you're still there for me when I want to come visit.

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Anyways, I've kind of stumbled away from my point, which I kind of forgot what I was really trying to get to, here.

Oh, basically, all of the problems I left behind to go on vacation to get away from, are still kind of hanging around...

I mean, yeah. no. Of course.

I'm just not dealing with them, as I should be, or shouldn't be. Either trying to resolve them, or let them go (like, really let them go).

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Which really is most of life I suppose.

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I guess what I'm realizing these days is that no matter how much you think you've got your life "together" or no matter how much your life is in shambles, figuring it all out, figuring out your life, is something you're going to be doing for the rest of it. At all times. No matter what happens.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what's next...

Red Socks Pugie

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Yes. Yes it is.

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It happened a week ago tonight. I was about half-way through the bottle of sake I bought after work, one of my new and improved ways of enabling alcohol to get me through the winter, an experiment if you will, when I realized that the booze wasn't helping anything anymore.

Perhaps it was the combination: loss of appetite lately, recent breakup, troubles with the band I'm in, unrelenting work stress, stress from the b company and our very important string of shows coming up, family issues, and getting sick again, on top of pretty much being sick in some form or another, (even getting food poisoning or a nasty stomach bug (still reluctant about Chinese food to this day)), since Christmas. Oh, and my usual vices, of which I have been so fond of for so very long. And that I haven't had a proper vacation in a very long time.

And the fact that its February, and I hate motha' fucking February.

Michigan winters are completely brutal to my psyche, and pretty much everyone else's as well.

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I remember a week ago checking the Cr@gslist missed connections, of which I am also fond of doing, and finding a record 7 posts in one day, that were all breakup oriented/not actual missed connections. Just lots of confused, angry souls screaming into the void to figure out what just happened.

I laughed at it, even though I was left feeling the same way...

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I was rather enjoying the sake. I have this hot plate coffee mug warmer that literally doubled as a sake warmer. I will sing its praises eternally, and is currently one of my favorite pieces of technology that has actually benefited my life. Also had a thought: mild mannered coffee warmer by day, seedy, dubious sake warmer by night.

Though I had to resort to hot water from the faucet to heat up the bottle initially, by the time you're 2/3 down to the end, the sake gets fantastically hot. Not too mention the buzz is pretty potent. Bubbly and fun, but look out. Throws a nasty drunk left hook out of nowhere, and at that point its probably best to stop drinking.

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I suppose it was the sinking realization, the gnawing in the pit of my stomach.

The booze wasn't helping. I wasn't enjoying it. Things were seriously messed in my life, all hitting me at once, almost, and there I sat, staring at the bottle, staring at the little hearts that adorn the hot plate (I found it in a thrift store. Not exactly my style of decor, but hey, it cost 2 bucks), realizing it wasn't working anymore.

I finished the bottle and tried best I could to pass out as per usual, but the recent sickness had decided to go full blown again. I hacked up goo all night, coughing non-stop, and upon waking found that my problems hadn't gone away, of course.

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Let's just say that's the closest I've come to a full on mental break-down in a long time.

And I will say this again and again, that I have some amazing friends.

And some amazing friends that I let down that day, calling off on a very important show almost entirely last minute, which screwed up some stuff...

I did manage to pull my shit together for the following show, the next day, which went awesomely, and I performed in front of a sold out show, of maybe almost a thousand people? probably less, but damn, lots of people got to see my junk.

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And there's even a coworker, I'd like to thank, who time and time again has given me sage advice in my desperate times of need.

She mentioned something a week or so ago, about quitting drinking in February, at which I scoffed, half jokingly, but yeah, more like, "are you insane? The most bone crushing, depressing month in all of Michigan, and you're quitting drinking?" I asked her that three times, just to stress the half serious part.

She simply nodded three times, each time, and said, "Yep. Best decision I've made in a while."

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Mmmmm. Sake. I can't say I enjoy the flavor at first. Sort of resembles really cheap vodka in taste at first. But something about the heat element. That last third of the bottle, so warm and steamy, the buzz inside my body, so warm on these dark and lonesome winter nights, whooo. Was really just starting to enjoy that.

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I'm off booze for a bit. Haven't drank since Monday, and even then that was 3 beers. Definitely avoiding the The Bar for a while, perhaps even longer. Let's just say dating in this small town can be quite difficult. There's a reason to be quiet about dating around here. Its a small enough, readily available dating pool, and incestuous (i.e. dating someone that someone you know has dated - basically, everybody has pretty much had sex with everybody else). and people can be quite overly dramatic about it, once they find out you're seeing someone new. Ah...

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Though at the moment I'm not too sure about the future of this blog. Its comforting to write again, to scream all my personal problems into the void again. Honestly I'm not sure how many people even read it. I've only told a few of my close friends about it, which is odd, I know, how I'll let total strangers in on some personal shit, but won't tell anyone I know about the fact I keep a blog.

In some ways I started this blog to poke fun at my current career move, (Yes, I'm still a lowly prep cook) but also started out to celebrate the fact that I had taken a serious step in a relationship, moving in with someone, getting engaged, what was supposed to be joy, cataloging our new life together... I guess I've always been somewhat uncomfortable about that, in regards to writing in this one. Psychic weight, I suppose, a term I'm borrowing from an old writing instructor of mine.

(Some days I really miss Di@ryland.)

I've also had an idea for a couple different blogs I may want to try out, not just another me ranting personal crap on the internet. But one requires I enter the technological year beyond 2000 and buy a digital camera.

We'll see.
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Singing Joy to the World

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I'm coming up short these days. Apparently I've been doing it all wrong. Which is a surprise to me, considering I've had this job for the last three years and four months, and to hear that for the first time in three years and four months, is a little disheartening.

I can't go into specifics at the moment. Internet paranoia and all, which is funny, because I haven't updated this blog that no one reads in almost a year... let's just say, knowing my luck these days, I cannot be too careful.

I'm just sad, because I do like my job, and I think I do a good job. I'm content with my meager life. I'm 31 years old, I make very little money considering my level of higher education, and I've never been more comfortable with it (until four days ago). I respect my company immensely, and I feel like I'm treated very well given the nature of my work... But it seems the powers that be have some big changes in mind, and are demanding I change, too. I just think the approach they're taking is having the opposite affect then the one the are intending for me. I do lead a certain lifestyle that may not be considered normal to most people, but my personal life and the things I do outside of my job are quite important to me. And totally mine to live as I see fit.

and kind of completely f-ed up in other ways.

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Oh what tangled webs we weave.

I know my choosing to date you, dear girl, was a difficult decision to make, given the nature of our arrangement, and the complications we discussed at length would affect things, make this arrangement more difficult, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I suppose I could tell myself, "I told you so..." That I probably should have avoided you altogether, that I knew what I was getting into and did it anyway, but hey now, what kind of fun would that be?

Let's make a mess!

Which, despite the hard decisions, I do believe there's something good in you, worth having, which is why I went for it...

I'd like to think at my age, and given the level of things I've gone through in relationships, for relationships, I could say with some certainty that I know a thing or two, by now...

But, um, no.

I'm still the goofy 15 year old idiot about girls I've always been.

I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, and there for you, but I'm not getting anything back, here. When I need it. Because I am going through a tough time, and trying to figure out my life at the moment, which is quite suddenly all up in upheaval. It seems to be a theme, "I've just got a lot of personal shit I'm going through." But in a good relationship we should help each other through it.

I understand completely the need to be alone sometimes. And if this was a long term relationship, I'd be a little more "ok, you just need a break from me." But not after a month. This is just weird.

I just feel I'm being set-up here. Set-up to be made to look like the crazy one. That I'm the one with the problem...

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Which seems to be a running theme in my life.

On a good note, its funny rereading my last post, and considering how bad I freaked out about that situation, which righted itself quite well, honestly. Problems seem so huge when you're in them. Let's just say I had some flashback issues, about girls walking out on me. Sorry old roommate. I'm glad we're still friends. Except you took my "Batman Begins" DVD. That hurt. Then again, I was somewhat responsible for that after party, and the subsequent stealing of one of your possessions. My bad.

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I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation.

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All I can do is stay the course, wait and see how this all shapes up, and try to have a little fun here and there. I beat myself up too much when faced with difficulty. I know this. Keep breathing. Keep doing the things that bring me joy, and go on assuming that, to quote Spock from Star Trek 6, "that the universe will unfold, as it should."

Will Clap Their Hands

Um. I don't even know what to say about this image. Not sure which is creepier: Turtle shells with faces positioned inappropriately, or the drool hanging from their lips. Great mustaches, though.

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Warning: Debbie Downer ahead! read at own risk! Just needing to vent!
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I don't even know what's going on right now. This winter will not die. Its hanging on by a thread, and its driving me and everyone I know insane. Roommate suddenly wants to jet off to Alaska to do something ??? and basically move out by June 1 st. I mean, I'm all for doing what you gotta do, run away from whatever, and I'm not gonna tell you how to live... but try not to drag other people into it, specifically people you share a lease with. Its really fucking up my shit, and try to give more than a month and a weeks notice. If you gotta runaway, do it, but know what you're running from, and at least get a basic plan together. Ahead of time.


On top of that, this house is literally falling apart. A giant tree fell in the back yard last Sunday. I found out about it, because I was sitting at my new, sweet desk I found on the side of the road (I love college town move out season! free shit!) in my room on my laptop, when I look out and see and hear shit hitting the side of the house, and branches moving in my window, and crap falling off the roof. I thought the aliens had come.


Also the bathroom sink is clogged, and I tried very man-like for three days to unclog it, after careful research on the subject on the internet, but to no avail. I even tried Coca-Cola, which I heard will eventually eat through most anything, like hair, and even teeth if left soaking in it for days. Like, dissolve the tooth. And people drink it every day. Hmmm. Oh, did I mention the toilet is leaking, into the floor. One day I'm going to go for a crap, and then bamn, the floor will give, and I'll be sitting on the crapper in the basement. Or cartoon like, the whole house will shift down instead, and I'll be suspended, mid air, on the john.


Moral of the story, is that unresponsive landlord isn't responsive.


Thus, I understand wanting to get out of this situation. I'm very much considering giving up this "gem" of an apartment; if not just to try something new. Lots of ghosts in this house. Not actual ones, its just got a lot of my history, history I've been so ready to leave behind. Especially with women that want to leave it, while I cohabitate with them. Sorry. Had to throw that one in there. Something shook me last night as all too familiar. Like the last one. And we're not even dating, or anything.

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whoa, tangent. I'm just pissed off about this right now, and stressed, and need a vacation, and have a been working on the burlesque stuff so much lately, which is good, but draining.

Did I mention I've almost finished my robot costume, built from cardboard from scratch, except for the most awesome Optimus Prime Helmet, that I found at the salvation army for six bucks?
With built in voice modifier? Dude. Its sweet. And saved me probably a whole days worth of work. I've probably put in over 40 hours on this project. I'm utterly sick of looking at cardboard.

But its for our next show, which is this friday. I'm pumped, but you wouldn't know it. At least I have Thursday off, completely to rest before the show. Unless I just totally cursed it by saying that. The way things are going these days...

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Ok. I feel somewhat better. Sigh. Things are changing so much again. So fast.


I secretly have an urge to steal someone's car, and just drive off somewhere wilderness-y and just camp out for a day or two. Be alone in wilderness for a bit. Clear the head out. Or something. Experience something else for a bit.


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Song for Woodthrush

This made me laugh.

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It is currently thee worst week of the winter. The most dreaded of all times of the winter. The last week of March, by which all accounts is technically Spring, but you wouldn't know it around these parts. The sky has been a solid sheet of gray for a week. Cold, but not too cold, just enough to make you wear a jacket, and to make you think twice about wearing that scarf you hoped you wouldn't have to wear again this season.

I've also had a cold for about two months now, which is like a somewhat annoying noise in the background, always there, but you just can't tune it out enough. Constant ebbs and flows of phlegm. Coughs abound, and sneezes and then the sore throats... Lately my lungs feel horribly broken, and I keep thinking about how I'm long overdue to attempt the quitting of the smoking of which I am so fond.

It also snowed today, for the first time in a month, and it is just not what I need right now. I long to sleep with the window open again. To spend actual time outdoors. To see and feel the sunshine.

This week has been insane. Starting off on this entirely crazy emotional dive, like, everyone around me had it, and we all felt insane. Bizarre antics at work. A new B-show in the works, with plans for the future looming overhead. Over-abundance of booze.

I also "broke-up" with someone tonight. I had mentioned briefly hanging out with a lady. Well, it became clear to me that things we're not apparently on the same level. I had made my intentions clear from the start, with honesty, that I wasn't looking for something huge and intense, i.e. a girlfriend, and things were agreed upon - keep it cool and casual. Slowly that changed bit by bit, though not so much on my part, sadly, and I called it off, not wanting to make things worse down the road.

Even at thirty the whole break-up process is totally still stressful and awkward. Even if I consider myself a seasoned veteran of the dating world, the world of relationships, man, shit still sucks. I'm still thinking of sticking to my guns on rather getting dumped than being the dumpee.

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I suppose its in the way the language changes. Despite claims of not wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend at all, on either part, and then upping the vocabulary. In some parts, yes, for lack of a better word, or explaining it to friends. Ah, the rough and tumble world of semantics.

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Roommate had commented on certain conversations overheard. Warned me of girlspeak. Girlspeak I may have misconstrued. Or inadvertantly agreed upon things I would not have.

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Anyway, I'm all weird right now and waxing all emotional, and feel somewhat sappy, but relieved. Also totally exhausted from my day at work of taking out old shelves and installing new ones in the walk-in, which meant standing in cold refrigerator for a couple hours, and then outside for an hour building new shelving units. At least I scored some awesome cardboard that I need in order to build my robot suit for my next routine.

Realizing I really need that vacation I promised to myself, though I keep putting it off.

I gots a new lifeform to check in on, godsdammit.

Also missing old friends suddenly, that I haven't spoken to in a while.

Goddamn this winter must end.

Pink and Blue

I think this was on Post Secret awhile back. I'm actually enjoying my job lately, which is always strange to say. And I also still pretend I'm on board the Enterprise often. Make it so!

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I'm still recovering from my time in Detroit. Trying to regulate my system again, balancing work with being able to hang out in bars again. Also the drinking culminated in quite a bender this weekend, which apparently affected the whole town, as everyone I know got extremely wasted on Saturday. Something in the air I suppose. Mid-winter freakout. Ugh, this shit is so almost done, and I'm so done with it, the snow, the cold.

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I had gotten home from work on Thursday, finally having reached my first full day off in three weeks, and promptly ate food and sat on the porch smoking. Suddenly this wave of good cheer came over me. I felt extremely good despite everything, the fatigue, and sat there so perplexed as to why I felt so damn good.

Half and hour I received the best and most puzzling text message ever. The number was Chicago in area code, though unknown on the caller id. The message read, "It's a boy!" The only person I knew was pregnant in that area was my sister. After checking my old cell phone for a possibility to the identity of the texter, I texted my brother asking if he got the same message. Then I freaked out realizing it was probably my brother-in-law, and that the baby came two weeks early.

I freaked out. Then got smart and called the number, and got the voicemail of my brother-in-law.

My nephew had been born.

I am quite extremely proud to introduce the birth of my first nephew, which makes me a drunkle, the eccentric odd black sheep of the family whose sole purpose is to spoil the little one with the things the parents deny them, to be the "cool" uncle for support, and I'm totally gonna corrupt that kid.

Lukas. Born two weeks early, but in fine, fine condition.

I wish the world he was born into was in better shape, but I guess that's something we all gotta work on.

I am so completely stoked about his birth.

I think I'm planning a Chicago trip for the end of March, to meet this lil' dude in person.

...

I guess that's all I got. Got the most sleep last night, though unrestful sleep with night sweats and freezing, plus odd feverish dreams concerning work and the Legend of Zelda. Bizarre.

Wanted to kill every one today, for no reason.

Cranky.

Down, and Dirty.

Oh yes. Brilliant.

...

I am so utterly exhausted. I'm not quite sure if I've had a day off in the last three weeks. February just sort of exploded in my face. Which is so, so good for me. To be actually busy with things outside of work. Doing something with my spare time. Especially during the coldest, darkest month of the Michigan winter. Even March is deceptively cold, but still filled with promises to come, of Spring, and warmth, and the desire to live again.

I spent my last four days off, two weekends, in Detroit, performing with the b-company, at a certain art/photography/show/exhibition thing that goes on every year. And its all dedicated to sex. Its chock full of adventure, and agony, stress, drunkenness, debauchery, and shear, pure fun and excitement. I wrote all about it on the mustache blog on the myspace page.

Which means I haven't had a pure, holy day off to myself, on which I accomplish exactly nothing. Damn I love my leisure and lazy time. I'm very selfish about it. And to give up four, two weekends in a row? Wow, I'm hooked on the whole b-company thing.

I took off my clothes in front of about 8000 people. A picture of me in a thong was on the front page of a weekly entertainment magazine's website. My junk, all over the internets.

I'm chuckling to myself right now.

...

I'm amazed I'm still functioning right now. Sleep has not been a commodity. Nor sober time. I'm still managing to drink so much these days. But, not going to lie about it any longer, I drink every night of the week. An amount some would consider a lot. I've seen worse. Trust me.

It also doesn't encourage me, in the fact that I've recently begun hanging out with a lady, despite my attempts at not getting entangled in that sort of thing. So far its very chill, very cool, and I've been enjoying her company immensely. And also losing lots of sleep, on top of the exhaustion from performing.

Well, I do so enjoy taking off my clothing... in all sorts of manners. (Too cheesy to pass up). *Enter snooty laugh now.*

She also drinks as much as I do, which is a rare trait in a woman, one I find very appealing. I am a lush. Plus she's totally hot. And wants to make out with me. Also very appealing.

...

I'm planning on writing an essay, mostly about turning thirty, and the events surrounding it, loss of love, joining the troop, taking my clothes off, etc. To be published in a local zine, which, as much flak as they get, at least someone is doing something around here, trying to put stuff out there. And my writing bug has been acting up greatly lately, which is such a good thing. Despite the fact I haven't updated this blog thing for shit.

Which is why I was insistent on the deadline factor. When does this need to be done by? Because I need deadlines, otherwise I'm dust in the wind.

I also had a major breakthrough in this fantasy novel series I've had ideas about for years, but never did anything about it. I'm so close to actually taking the time to write shit down.

I'm almost a writer again!

...

Note - Please go see "Let the Right One in." Vampire movie, foreign, awesome. And pay attention.

...

Did I mention she watches Battlestar Galactica? And reads comic books and sci-fi. Doesn't get the Star Wars appeal, but at least she's watched them.

...

Well, the whole brain thing is shutting down. I have more to say, but cannot continue. Also, that other social connecting site, has completely taken over my soul. I cannot live without it now. This is scary.

Vaccines

I love this image sooo much.

...

Sigh. I'm totally busy. This is the most random thing in my life to complain about. Especially now that we've entered into the real game of winter, February.

Last night the B company had a show in our neighboring little sister town, the mighty Ypsi. The show went better than expected, I caught up with some old friends whom had since moved over to that town. Crossover on both sides is sorely missed. The town is just far enough away to make people groan about going back and forth. The struggle never ends.

After the show I got exceedingly drunk, and "full of love," a condition I refer to as "full of love" whenever I get super drunk, kinda touchy-feely in the hug sort of way, and proceed to tell everyone around me how "full of love" I am. I did this entirely most of New Year's Eve. I don't remember much from that night. Only a calm, peaceful resolve.

We had an after party at a certain band's practice space, which is simply amazing. I cannot describe the entire "compound," but it made me think twice about my somewhat loathing of Ypsi. I've just had some bad experiences there, that's all. Getting stuck at a stranger's house after witnessing a totally brutal Lesbian fight. (I am never going to fight a lesbian. Whoa. Harsh.), with a girl that wanted nothing to do with me, despite lesbian's insistance.

I had an immensely good time. Suddenly all my groaing and bitching about going to practice melted away, and it felt like it paid off. We did great. And in the next two weekends, I'll be performing four days. My act. In Detroit. I was hesistant about devoted that much time to stuff, but really, its a great thing. My motivations are shifting. This will keep me going through the winter.

...

Though I worry about my health. Last week I suffered from some sort of neck cramp, that is still not entirely done with me. four days of intense pain. I felt like a robot. Moving all mechanichly. A few unprescribed pills, and a very nice massage loosened things up, but damn, I'm getting old. I gotta start watching the posture.

Oh, and last night I stabbed my hand on a rusty nail, in the bed o' nails one of our performers uses in the show. Some bleeding, and I don't remember the last tetanus shot I got, so goddamn it, I gotta look into that now. I'm not too concerned, as it wasn't deep, and wiki's about diseases are horribly dangerous for the hypochondriac in me. It sort of reassured me. I also drank a lot of alcohol last night. So I think my whole body was fairly sanitized in that department.

I also got digits. Not to mention at the after party, I witnessed a very cool dog, suddenly pissing all over the place, at which I laughed at for a solid five minutes, and am still chuckling about to this very minute.

I also need to buy a new thong, maybe a gold or silver metallic one. I'm going to build a cardboard robot suit that I strip off for my next performance.

My life is so strange. I kinda love it.

Fly, you Fools

...

I'm feeling rather good these days. Honestly I cannot believe how well I'm taking this winter. Usually by this point I'm a useless heap, completely buried in blankets. Of course, February is just around the corner, which is the true test of winter sanity.

Then again, this winter has differed quite dramatically from the last one. No bone-crushing break-up depression, that looking back on, whoa, I was in a bad place.

Although my capacity for wine has grown slightly larger than usual. My tolerance is kind of in the scary levels. That and the "party store" (that's what we call them in the Michigan), has these fantastic deals on these monster bottles of wine. Quantity, not quality. And I'm not exactly the best at cutting myself off. A little more won't hurt...

But it is how I get through the winter gray and darkness. Not a drinking problem, more of a drinking solution. I'm an optimist at heart. I'm also rather fond of leaving all the lights on in the house. I know it may not be all that "green" of me to waste energy, but I'm not wasting it. I need all the light I can get.

...

I have the troupe as well. We have three shows (+) the next three weekends running. Two weekends will be spent in Detroit, performing four shows at the Detroit D!rty Show, a huge event all about dirty things related to sex. Fetishes, pornography, a guy who poops paint onto a canvas (P@blo P00p-caso!), all sorts of stuff. And then me, doing my routine. A little nervous about it. yes, yes I am.

...

And my heart has gone and done something stupid, like developing a little crush on someone. Its been a while since anyone has shown any sort of promise. So I'm trying to enjoy it as being merely a crush, something fun to day dream about, but sometimes I do take these things a little too seriously. And it seems I never learn my lessons, because, yes, another coworker. Brilliant! I'm a damn fool. Fool!

Anyway, it has future ex-girlfriend written all over it. And silly me, I'm kind of up for it. I think I just might be ready to go big, to get hurt all over again. Yes please, come into my life. Take what you like. Destroy me, please!

Enough about that.

...

I did manage to pick up the guitar and learn some new songs. I haven't touched that one for a while.

Anyway, my Sunday morning is almost over, and I must be heading to work soon. Sigh.

I've Really Been into That

Boy wins!

...

2009 seems to have kicked off on a somewhat rocky note. Little things keep popping up, minor nuisances that don't do all that much damage, but are really irritating.

Kinda like the leaky pipe/roof in the kitchen problem, which has returned again. Buckets and a garbage can rest underneath the cupboard collecting drips. Yogurt containers all up in the cupboards. A thoroughly soaked dish towel acts as a dam on the counter-top. And, of course, none of the water actually drips into the sink.

Landlord has done nothing, despite repeated calls. Me thinks if I stay in this town another year, I might look into a new place.

...

My roommate threw me a curve ball the other day. Unintended, though it filled me with sudden dread. A thought that had not occurred to me. One day, she will move out. Of course she will. And then what do I do? We've endured a lot, and still get along really well as roommates. She's been one of the best, if not thee, and owe her a lot. Just saying hey, you're awesome.

...

How many people out there use google as their spell checker? I totally do it all the time.

...

Speaking of other internets, I joined up on that other super mega-awesome fun site, the Facebook.

And I'm totally hooked. That shit plugged in like crack in the drug receptors of the neurons of a crackhead. I can't go ten minutes without looking at it. I got it bad. Notification! Notification! I desperately gasp with anticipation as I await that little red flag in the lower right corner. Plus, I can totally trade Star Wars figures with my friends. Fuck yeah S. sent me Yoda the other day. I'm up to 70% of the figures. Shit is so cash.

I'm so over Myspace. Glad I only made a fake profile, well, actually real profile for my moustache. He's grown quite long (over a foot wingspan), and very unruly in his older months. Waxing is a constant chore. I can't eat food if I don't wax the stash, because all the hairs go directly into the food, and then into my mouth. Eating hair feels gross.

...

Oh, and some authoring of certain "missed connections," on the other internets site, my other form of computer crack, craigslist, the innerauble depths of pure, raw humanity at its worst, well, ok, missed connections is a must, and in all my adult life, of a low numbered list of requests, I so have never wanted something more (almost) than someone posting a genuine (ahem) connection about me. Preferably female. But hey, at this point, any one showing an ounce of interest in me
, cool, fine, I'll take it.

So someone mentionend me in a mc (for short), as something like "we were sitting next to that queer mustache guy" at an mc aimed at my friend AR. I believed AR, in fact, wrote this. We had been at the bar one night drunkenly discussing our love for craigslist, and what little faith it gives us in humanity, and mostly about the mcs. (more internet crack! and paranthesis). Although she did not. The other guy we were with wrote it, and so I, didn't find this out until after I posted my reply, aimed at my dear, awesome friend AR, which apparently, in her words, "blew my Facebook fuckin' up."

I would like to believe it was my authorship. I do feel most proud of it. I know her well, and what would be the most obvious clues that it was her. It worked. I gave some hint it was me though, which prompted an email from a coworker, reading simply "j?"

So then my friend in Chicago decides to pen one about me, directly noting the obvious mustache, and of course smoking, outside of work. Tempting, but a twenty year old girl was not the wisest age for a man of my high standards. Although, I am in the beginning of my "dirty old man" years, of which I have looked forward to, secretly, for a very long time. That and the "smoking outside" reference was good, but no one in the public can really see us smoking in the new designated smoking area. Well, no public other than the small Village high school that looks in on our newly desiganted smoking area. Nice. But really, all that kids at the school probably smoke cigarettes already, not too mention probably more weed than I do.

Some coworkers specultated inside job. Luckily AR spilled the beans to me about who wrote it, and thus some rather funny text messeges were exchanged.

People still tell me about it. Like one of my stalkers. Who sent a message on myspace to me, with the link to the mc, and said she wanted to break that girl's legs, and send her an envelope full of anthrax. With a sweet coda of "happy new year."

Yeah, i whine about not getting attention from women, but then realize I want "Quality" attention, i.e. someone I would like to engage in the sex with.

I didn't even realize that was a very angry message. I was high on the weed, of course, and thought, "oh hey, cool, no need for violence, just a joke, etc... and of course replied, "happy new year to you!" Ooops. Girls don't like it when you disrespect their scorn. It makes them get madder. Her roommate cleared it up. In a very long talk. long.

...

I've also managed to keep my sanity this winter, so far. Despite a few trials here and there, I think things will work out. I've only had a couple minor tweekouts, early nights where all I crave is sleep, to get away from the gray. But overall, I'm weathering the weather rather well. And drinking a lot. I mean, A LOT. Red wine, its how I get through it.

Where I am at

My robot has returned to life. Thanks to the ingenuity of the roommate's bo-hunk, who knows a thing or two about soldering wires. Thanks to you!

...

My life is somewhat busy these days. Its odd for me, with all my cherished laziness, to admit it. And while at times during the middle of the winter season I just really want to collapse in a heap in my awesome new bed (A birthday gift from the parents) and not leave the room for days on end, so far so go. I'm not actually feeling the winter blahs. There are things to occupy my time.

For one, I'm pleased to announce, I have finally factored the Public Library into my routine. I've had a library card for years on end, but have finally made it a point to get there once a week. And thus lovingly the library has kept me in movies, music and even an occasional book. And on my toes with each of those products having separate due dates.

I'm not nearly going out as much, which we call hibernation up here in the cold north. Though somehow the steady stream of old friends and old loves coming to town, nearly weekend after weekend has provided ample opportunity to drink entirely too much, as we are also prone to due in the cold north.

Hibernating, or hermit-ing. Its been pretty nice.

Musically, things have taken a turn for the worse. The band has ceased all operations since the drummer moved out of our old abode. I still miss that house, and frequently day dream about winning the lottery and purchasing said house. I guess its a minor break, though we all seem to have other projects keeping us just busy enough. I miss it though, and have finally picked up my accoustic again, despite breaking the strings and requiring new ones, which i will venture out today for.

Work has been tolerable, to a point. Lately the three of us in the basement, the ones that matter anyway, have been playing a sort of game of "new music," where we all try to bring in new and interesting music, and discuss it at length, and sometimes even find ourselves singing along to it.

The boss is constantly challenging me with new things to cook, and create, (i.e. dumping her work on me). And the O pr@h beast has reared its ugly head again, in the form of reruns, which inspired all hell breaking loose last weekend, and me making a metric shit ton of a certain product that is my responsibility. Thanks again, O great one. Despite the challenges, it is officially the slow season, so I'm kinda glad I have new things thrown my way, i.e. actual work to be done, rather then the clever "how the hell can I make this day last 8 hours" game, which is quite bothersome mid February.

The Troupe and I are doing well. Two shows coming up in the future, both on the road for the first time, in Detroit. One at a pornographic convention of sorts, and one at a punk rock collective. Both should be eye-opening experiences. And I will also be perforMAN-ing again, a little too soon than I expected, in Detroit of all places. Whoa. I foresee more sewing in my future.

And as for the future, well, who knows. There has been a potential offer of sorts, not quite officially on the table, but being formulated and thought about much on both ends. Yet another attempt of my friend down south, who may be looking for a new manager of sorts for a restaurant she runs, to get me to move down there... Though this potential proposition could be a good thing, it has some cons that might complicate the matter. More thinking is needed.

And I won't even go into the love life. Nothing but dust and cobwebs in that department. And that's just fine.

Things are good. Things are good.

Off to an Odd Start

So. Yes, I haven't been updating at all, despite renewed promises. Not that all two of you are totally worried in the slightest. I will say, happy New Year to all of you. May 2009 be totally 200-Fine. Anyways, after far too much libations, um, well, I kinda disabled my laptop, due to poor design, and occasionally being drunk while using it, and, sort of dropping it, and thanks to the battery cord finally snapping off of the battery.

After a horribly long phone call to the fine customer service people of Best Buy, a new battery will be here in my abode in 5 to 8 buziness days.

Horribly depressing, because suddenly being stricken computer-less after being plugged in for a year, well, shit, I'm kinda freaking out right now, and am totally using the roommate's computer, without permission, so this is going to be short.

(Roommate - I am totally not downloading porn, I swear.)

Funny how dependent they get you on this technology shit. I feel I must go camping soon, to get back in touch with the nature.

And gasp, I'm actually reading a book these nights, because I forsook most of my technology because I had a laptop to do it all for me.

Oh how delicate my reality is.

I miss my goddamn robot!

(Robot is slang for computer)

Ok, beyond that all is well, and in 5 to 8 buziness days I shall have my robot back (hopefully) and I still will totally only update four times a month. Realistically.

Hope you are all well and good and beyond good.

I Showed Mine

Cat Vader finds your lack of faith disturbing...

...

I'm currently experiencing Deja-vu. As I write these words, I can hear the pings of dripping water coming from the kitchen. Almost a year to the day, the powers that be, have decided that the ceiling in my kitchen shall pour forth water, again. This time around the roommate and I are amazingly calm about this, as we dealt with this before.

...

The show went well. Except for an unexpected wardrobe malfunction, I made it to the stage for my performance, and did all right. Making break-away clothing is a very demanding task, one I hope I won't have to do for a while. Especially when one must sew themselves into the outfit, due to the tightness of the shorts, and the fact you are wearing a box attached to a coat hanger around your waist, that said shorts must go over.

I prepped three needles with thread, two of which broke just before I had to go on. Though the shorts wear almost falling off, people did not seem to notice.

We had a modest gathering of 200 people there, which is above average for our attendance, though not the amount of people I was expecting. Winter weather is mostly to blame.

I watched the video of my performance. I look nervous as hell.

It was so bizarre. Being on stage like that. I would say that I "blacked out" up there. But not really totally gone. The thought process was strange to me. I couldn't even really see the audience. I heard the music, I did my routine. Everything was in slow motion, yet went by so fast... Then the box dropped, and the roar of the audience...

oh.

I'm glad I still have the ability to surprise myself.

...

Of course a bunch of coworkers were there. Female coworkers, who have been gabbing quite a bit about the performance. Some have taken to calling me Mr. Burlesque. Its always good to stir up the rumor mill.

...

Well, the pictures are up on my myspace page if peoples would like to see them. In the tagged pictures folder, or on the burlesque company's myspace, which can be found through mine.

I would write more, but now I have to go empty some buckets that are filling with water.

I'll Update Soon, I Promise

So I turned thirty. I feel proud to say I spent the last day of my twenties shopping for a thong and fake mustaches, having an eleven inch mustache of my own, preparing for the upcoming event on Saturday night. The event at which I will take my clothes off in front of hopefully 400 people, where I will be wearing said thong.

I'm leading a somewhat interesting life right now.

...

But I'm terribly busy for once. I almost don't know how to process it all, how to get it all done... I have to write stuff down constantly now.

I'm amazed at myself, and proud. I usually take winter pretty hard, and having these things to do week after week feels wonderful, and energizing. Not at home every night, smoking as much weed as humanly possibly and drinking wine and immersed in video games.

...

Its been a long day. I'll have details of the birthday soon, and extreme details of my first burlesque perfor-MANce.

Not that anyone is exactly living and dying on my less-than-frequent updates...

...

P.S. Not sign of a girl anywhere in sight. This is a good thing.

Waiting on the Couch For You

I love who ever did this. Its inspired me in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. I really love how Elvis has the bigger halo. I think it should be entitled "Kings," because it reminds me of the story of my friend J. who had this amazing Elvis belt buckle, his portrait surrounded by an intricate floral design. One day he went to a tattoo artist that was working on J.'s tiger back piece (sadly unfinished to this day). The tattoo guy asked who was on J.'s belt buckle, and J. responded, "the king, baby." Then the tattoo guy grabbed his own belt buckle, the same floral design, only in the portrait was a picture of Jesus, and he said, "nah, baby, this is the King!"

...

Today has been a long arduous day. Full of some good news, things I should be feeling very thankful for right now, but for some reason I'm kinda hung up on some lingering sadness. That being Seasonal Affective Disorderness.

I suppose my biggest announcement is that I'm currently up-ing my role in the burlesque troop, and crossing the boundary of Tech to Performer. Boy-lesque. Me in a thong. And that's about all. Yep.

Heh.

Its a cute routine, and I'm proud of it, though I haven't spent all that much time on the performance, as its been a long week of indulgences, and holiday shit.

I suppose I'm immensely nervous, considering I'll be in front of (hopefully) 300 - 400 people, with a one or two millimeter strip of cloth between them and "the gentlemen." I just need to get my stuff in order, and pray to god its not cold in the club.

And yes, I have a tad bit of the exhibitionist in me. I spent a portion of my youth naked at summer camp. Which sounds entirely inappropriate, but you have to understand, Naked Cabin Jumping was a very serious game among the staff.

...

Long week. Practice two nights a week, plus work, and then the throngs of visitors who come back here and expect to get really drunk, and I must oblige.

My sleep has been restless, and not quality in the slightest. This makes me prone to bouts of weakness, the winter blahs, minor depression etc.

Feeling it very strongly at the moment.

But good things happened today.

I gots me a raise. And again, I wish I could focus on that good feeling instead of my pathetic emotional whimpering. But hey, that's me!

(I've been saying, "But hey, that's my life!" a lot lately. I don't know why.)

Slightly what I expected, a bit slightly under what I had hoped for, but I'll take it. She also offered a bit more six months from now, if I meet her demands of me, which are all not unreasonable, and if fact may learn me some new things.

And its much needed, as I still can't quite grasp the saving money thing. There is a hole in my bank account. The hole is me, and my unquenchable thirst for booze. And crab wantons. So freakin' good.

...

But I think I may go for the quitting smoking thing in January.

I told myself that when I turned thirty, I would quit smoking, cuz its just no longer cool to smoke when you're over thirty.

Well, I turn thirty on Friday of this week, and quite frankly, with the b-day celebrations, performance, and Christmas and New Years, eh, realistically no. So by the end of January, I hope to be smoke free... well, cigarette free. Nah Fool!, not giving that up any time soon.

Another hapless in vain stab at supposedly trying to "get my shit together."

Whatever.

...

Today marks an anniversary, of sorts. Maybe a smudge on some sort of record. But I have been officially single for an entire year now.

Perhaps I may be brooding a bit, again, prone to weakness, but ah, more of a year in review of all my horrible encounters I've had with women in the past year. Its been quite a few, though no 'serious' dating came out of it.

What a long, strange trip its been.

Heh.

Totally laughing at that line.

...

Well, not going to dwell too deeply on that one.

And now I'm going to go read the w@tchmen. I'm riveted.

Some One Great

This describes my mental state right now... figure it out. I can't.

...

The snow is here. Already, and accumulating. Sigh.

Every year I really look forward to bringing out the winter coat. Actually, I don't like bringing out the winter coat, because it only means one thing - that the snow is here, and its cold and winter.

I look forward to digging through the pockets of my winter coat, to find what treasures I left in there on the day that I hung up the coat for the Spring.

I held out as long as I could. In the mean time I've been wearing my old blue coat that I refer to as my "smoking jacket," which now resides on an old nail stuck in the wall of our living room. Its a coat I've deeply loved for a long time, despite the broken zipper and slightly dirty sleeves, since I've never once took it to the cleaners. I almost got rid of it once, at the request of someone once dear to me, and after that person left my life, I dug out the coat from the basement where it sat in a bag of clothes ready for donation. It was some sort of personal victory, a piece of me I didn't want to let go.

...

Contents of winter coat pockets:

1 pair of glasses, plastic, with yellow plastic lenses and dollar signs.
1 (empty) pack of rolling papers
2 bank account slips, showing more money than I've had in quite some time
1 receipt from wine store
1 movie ticket stub
1 packet of Emergen C, orange flavor
1 tube chap stick, medicated
1 1" pin, from the burlesque show, of which I am now a part of.

...

Squid came and went. We did the usual visitor ritual, long drunken nights at the The Bar, darts, greasy diner food, and the mandatory shopping trip in which she tries to get me to buy clothes and stuff I don't need. So strange, the female urge to shop and buy new things... File that under "things girls do that confuse me."

Though it wasn't an official offer, she tempted me with a possible future employment option, down south of course, which seriously got me thinking about movement again. Though the money sounds very tempting, especially now as I dance around my broken bank account, there are, of course, drawbacks.

I love my friends dearly, but when they cross over into the realm of employment, especially as my boss, things get a little rough. Our friendship was greatly strained the last time she was my boss. I once vowed never to do it again.

The weather also sounds very tempting, as I'm sure its probably 75 degrees down there as I write this.

...

Speaking of bosses, I asked for my yearly review yesterday. She responded with, "oh, who told you you were up for review?" I replied with, "You did... a month ago..."

"Oh. Right."

This coming from the person who once told me, "People only ask for reviews when they want a raise... that's mainly why I despise giving reviews..."

Well, you're right about part of it. I think more money has been deservedly earned. I also want a review because some iota of feedback is nice to get sometimes, positive or negative. Considering I get pretty much nothing, unless I really mess something up.

...


Oh hangovers. I think I'll go fix up that packet of Emergen C. Shit works wonders

Yes, We Did!

There's a phrase that I've been hearing over and over again, uttered by more than a few people, in all sorts of different places.

"I feel like my faith in humanity has been restored..."

I've been saying it myself, and I actually do feel it... And there's other feelings, ones I haven't felt in so long, that they feel alien to me, awkward and young. I feel hope again. And usually I'm prone to distrust the government and politics in general, yet its there, this hope, that things are going to be ok. That the new president will actually do good for this country, that things will and can change, for the better.

...

I was smoking a cigarette on a porch, someone's house, an election party. We had been following the news nervously, all of us drinking heavily, in anticipation for the returns. It was probably around 11:30, or 11:45 when the call was made, that Obama would be the next president. And though there were others on the porch, small talking, and cheering, suddenly someone told us to be quiet. And in that moment of silence between us all, we could hear it, across town, the roars of celebration, chanting and cheering. We were probably about three miles from the center of town where a large group of people had gathered on the campus, and we could hear their cheers.

How many presidential elections can you recall there being mass cheering, people taking to the streets in celebration?

The air was electrified, and we were all electrocuted with a sense of hope, and goodwill. Hugs and hugs, and tears, and then we gathered around the TV for the speeches to come.

...

The concession speech was done rather well, I must admit. Though the booing of the crowd pissed me off, I think Mccain gave an impressive speech. But, man, when Obama appeared, our eyes glued to the screen, everything was magical. Fifteen of us compacted on the living room floor, in various states of intoxication, intoxicated more by the words coming out of his mouth.

I had to look away at one point, because suddenly I was struck with fear, the fear of gun shots, of watching a man fall...

Its a small fear that I will be living with for the next four years, that someone out there will attempt it.

...

A few of us escaped the party and headed to the The Bar, which I gotta admit was one of the sweetest nights I've had there in a long time, all of us regulars hooting and hollering, hugging, shocked and amazed, and hugging again and again.

And later we drove around town yelling out of the car windows, "Yes We DID!" and every passerby hooted back something similar.

Its so odd to feel hope again. And as strange as it is, its a feeling I don't want to go away any time soon.

...

And mad props to the voters (everywhere!) and especially Michigan ones. Props one and two passed, which means medical marijuana and stem cell research are a go. Thanks to you, good people.